A stirring from the past

Recently, every time I watch TV or check the news online, I invariably find something on rape or child sexual abuse. Saturday was no different. First there was a documentary of a girl (Confessions/The Letter on Dateline NBC -- link below) who was raped. Then it was a show that had a male child sexual abuse/predator/survivor subplot in it. I had taken them all well. I had a decent sleep. I was proud of myself.

Sunday morning I was telling the only guy who knows I'm a sexual abuse survivor about the above. I added, "I wonder if this is a sign!". The response for the rhetoric stunned me. He asked me if I considered myself a child abuse survivor. I was stunned. He knows about it, not in detail but in summary. So, why would he ask that question. After stammering for an answer, wondering if there is a meaning I do not understand, I managed a "yes". I didn't think about it then. Now I'm.

Sunday evening, my mind had wandered into the story of the girl who was raped while unconscious (Confessions/The Letter on Dateline NBC). During the narrative she said something about coming back to her room and showering for a long time because it felt dirty. It jogged my memory and I remember doing the same. I felt the same way again and stayed in the shower for nearly an hour.

Eventually, I had to get out of my house. I went for a walk. Then went and visited a friend as promised. But, I still am reeling from the onslaught of memories served fresh. I remember details of the curtain, the shape of the room, the entire incident in short. I also remember walking back home embarrassed, blaming myself, ashamed of myself, cursing myself, angry, afraid, confused,...
I remember staying the shower for nearly and hour and a half. It was a Saturday afternoon-evening time. I remember looking at the mallu-auto guy and wondering how much he knew, every time I saw him. I wondered how much the other people knew.

All that aside, I've been seeking one thing... only one thing all this time: acceptance and support. Not pity, not apologies, not pain, not revulsion, not scowl, not any of those. Acceptance and support... an understanding of my situation and then to treat me still the same way as I'm now. Barring perhaps O, there is only one person right now that fits the bill, Py (MT). She is the only one who didn't run away or treat me any differently. Thank you my friend.