Guilt and self-blame

Those two have been the most powerful emotions in shaping me. Especially self-blame. I had another one of these yesterday. This time, I caught myself leaning towards self-blame for things entirely out of my control.

I found myself get caught in the middle of a "couple's" fight. Technically, they are not a couple, but that is besides the point. Finding myself in the presence of two people fighting opened the flood gates of self-blame for me. "It must be because of me", I thought. Granted, there might be some old flames are work. But, knowing that history and questioning its influence on current possibilities, I started with my self-blame. I must not be here. I should get out. I'm causing trouble for them. In crept Guilt right then, I'm at fault. I'm the one to blame. Why do I end up in between all the time?

It took me a while to recognize it has got nothing to do with me, per say. Even if it were due to the history, that person has to deal with it. Not I. This I realized within an hour of when I first started feeling that way. That is new for me. I usually don't ever realize it, not until it is too late and I'm already in depression. I'm happy to have made that progress, if you can call it that.

Today, I realize that this has been the trend in a lot of my personal relationships. I don't think it is a exaggeration if I were to say that it is the case with all. I've always seen things in the light of "my fault", rather than for what they were. I've always wondered what I could have done differently so that the conflict could have been avoided. I do not recall asking myself whether or not what I did was right, only what could have been different. It never mattered to me if acting different would have been fair or unfair for me.

That doesn't sound right even to write! But I've done that exactly that all my life, especially in relationships that mattered the most. Hmm, something to work on!