An Island, unto itself!

Since last week, I've been depressed. After meeting with my T, I've been just 'blah'. I wanted to write... I've been trying to write, but never could really. I trailed off after the first 2 sentences. Today, after a little chit chat with a colleague about how I'm very dissociated when it comes to my memories, I found myself exhausted and ready to sleep. Five hours later, I found myself writing (with a little distraction in the background). The outpouring resulted in this poem:

Woken up from a deep slumber
I can't remember what is my dream
I can't remember what is my reality
How long did I sleep? And
How much longer will I sleep?

Memories do not exist,
Recollections end up bust,
Reminiscence collects dust.
Ruminations take me yonder,
But not much farther,
Yet I live... as a shallow creature!

What is my past?
Where is my future?
Between the two polarities
I lose my present.

Unable to stand in my yesterdays
Unable to hold on to my tomorrows
I dawdle in the between...
Lifeless, yet alive.
Floating on a barge
Within the constraints of 'now'
And 'now' alone.

I find myself, an Island
An island not just because I'm alone;
But an island in time...
With none the past,
With never a future,
Just an Island, unto itself!

Homeless

Homeless I wander,
Where was home?
A Promise of happiness,
Filled with safety,
An embrace of serenity,
That is a cradle of care,
When did I leave Home?
Where is my home, Mother?
Inter me into your bosom...
A full 6 feet under,
Keep me safe within,
For me to experience freedom
For me to feel at Home.

The above was prompted as I was thinking about my lack of memories. A blank slate from when I was 5 years old. My T thinks it is possibly due to dissociation. I'm now wondering what else is hidden in those 9 years or so that I remember very little about them.

Where is that dark side of me?

Thanks Karma for your comment. I really appreciate it.

Karma, you are right about my need to feel needed. Upon looking back, it appears that I've always been "eager to help", even at the expense of doing my own stuff. May be that is my way of feeling important/needed. But when I question fairness, I'm asking how much of a sacrifice should I make. When is it just helping and when is it a sacrifice?

If someone asks for help, I feel the urge to do it right away, dropping everything I'm doing. Instead, I could, say give them a time at which I'd be able to help. Now, this is the kind of (self-imposed) unfairness I'm questioning. Why do I do this?

Yes, there is a feeling of satisfaction from helping others. Yes, I'm the "sweet" guy. But why is this important to hear for me? Why do I have to be nice to others, sometimes even at the cost of myself? Why can't I ever say "no"?

As I pondered over these questions, other things came up. I wanted to feel needed. I feel that I need to get (the right kind of) attention. It is an issue of feeling powerful too -- others need me to do this and do that. They can't do it without me. There is also an insecurity. What if they don't like me? I dread it. I fear it. I want to be like-able and never feel unwanted.

Until now, I've been giving into this insecurity, rather than fighting it. It makes me feel wanted and happy. It is even addictive; for, there are times when I wish someone would ask me for help!

There is also a much older belief that is playing its part. Growing up, I was taught that bad things happen to bad people. So, if I had been molested, I must have been a bad person. Also, much of my memory is lost or is second hand. This makes me a lot more nervous. Given that I come from an abusive family, I always worry that I'm going to turn into them. Now, with a lot of my memories being just blank... a clean slate, whatever you want to call it, this gives me jitters. I feel that my own mind is hiding a darker side of me. I really feel anxious and panicky when I think about this. This makes me want to help even more, as if all the help I do now is going to make up for it.

This is how far I've gotten so far. May be I'll write more tomorrow.

Defining "Fairness"

I'm quite a bit confused right now. I could use your feedback.

What is fairness? What is considered fair to me? It seems that I don't have a sense for what is fair to me. Over the last week or two, I found myself "going out of my way" to help other people -- fellow grad students/friends. I used the quotes because I didn't think I was doing that, but I came to understand that others perceive it so. To me though, it was the natural (not ideal) thing to do. It seemed the right thing to put my stuff behind and do theirs. The return I got was happiness. So, was it not fair to me?

I did make the choice to overwhelm myself with helping others. Perhaps this is to make me feel important and appreciated? The truth is, it makes me feel needed. Right now, I find it very important to feel needed.

In that context, is expressing love (unrequited) not fair? I felt upset to notice how א had become 'cynical' about life. She calls it being realistic, but I perceived it as a reaction to her own situations in life. It makes me really really sad. I really wanted to be there for her even if it means sacrificing everything else in my life. I later recalled other harsh things she had said to me. Yet, I minimized those and saw how she was suffering within. Yes, she made her choices and I will not change those. But, at the same time, I want to be with her even if it means "sacrificing" a lot of other stuff in life.
Is that not fair?

How does one define fairness? Should I see the greater good, my individual gratification, instantaneous vs long term satisfaction? How do I determine if something is fair to me to not? What do I factor into it to determine the fairness?

Ha! There it is!

Finally, after such a long time, I was almost missing it. Nope, it is back again. One single simple disappointment is all it took for me to close up shop in Happyland and make my way back to Sorrowland. I'm pathetic. א and I had plans to go out today. I was very excited, especially because I've not hung out with her in a while. In my excitement, I forgot how prone she is to canceling stuff. No big surprise when the she called right after I left my lab thinking I'll make it home early to spend time with her. She canceled. I got very disappointed.

It is very pathetic that I should attach so much importance to such a silly thing and feel so much sorrow and disappointment when it didn't happen. I'm completely unable to control my automatic thoughts at this point. They seem to be thrashing and threshing any defense I try to mount. Nope, not a chance for me now. The flood gates are open. Mr. Depression is at my door now.

I'm beating myself over allowing myself to be in this place by placing as much importance as I did in this in the first place. In addition, to hating myself for getting attached, I find myself weak again and so, I'm upset about being weak as well. I missed talking to א simply after a couple of days of not talking to her. How crazy is that?

My parents were right, I can never be good at anything. Just manage something or the other. I should probably go back to focusing on grad school and shut all this up in a safe box and accept that I'd always suck in personal skills. I'd get myself depressed too easy. I shouldn't even venture into these areas of existence.

I'm off to yoga... may be that would help.

What's going on, really?

I'm starting to wonder what is really happening with me. I'm so out of my meditation practice. I have been skipping quite a few yoga classes as well. Yet, I'm feeling fine (ish), except for the occasional turmoils which last less than 5 minutes. I've not seen my therapist in more than 2 months! It makes me wonder, "what is going on, really?"

I'm worried I'm simply in denial, or keeping myself distracted. It seems very easy to be distracted with grad school noose tightening around my neck pretty tight. Am I doing what I have always done -- to immerse myself in school work to escape the brutal reality? I don't know... On the one hand, the answer is yes. On the other, I don't think I'm that person anymore. I notice my troubles, acknowledge them, mindfully accept the pain/sadness associated with it,... Face it, rather than run away from it,... Do tong len, if necessary. But I never really "sit" to mediate. I take the practice with me that's all. Despite such an utter lack of meditation and yoga (my only form of physical exercise), I haven't gotten depressed in more than a month. Yes, I have a few moments here and there, but not whole days or even half-a-day!

I've been in a similar situation several times before, albeit shorter, they never turned out to be fine; Instead, they all turned out to be the calm before the storm. While I hope that this time be different, there is an innate fear that something must go wrong, or already be wrong... it is too good to be true. I'm feeling anxious.

Mindfulness and daily life

I've been so out of touch here. Grad school is now hectic. Nevertheless, the month that passed since my last post has been mostly kind to me. I've managed to handle my stress better than before. There were repeated disappointments, but I managed to shoot down all automatic thoughts that were blaming me for every single one of them. I managed to fight depression pretty successfully. There were days when it was really tough on me (like y'day), emotionally. But I've managed to survive.

The one incident I'm particularly proud of is when I saw a sculpture in a shop with a hand over the shoulder of a person. I was stunned for a moment there, for it brought back my own memories of the hand. I caught myself right away, before I went into any strong ruminations. Somehow I gathered the courage to fight it and fend it off. And, I managed to do so only by being mindful :)