Thanks Karma for your comment. I really appreciate it.
Karma, you are right about my need to feel needed. Upon looking back, it appears that I've always been "eager to help", even at the expense of doing my own stuff. May be that is my way of feeling important/needed. But when I question fairness, I'm asking how much of a sacrifice should I make. When is it just helping and when is it a sacrifice?
If someone asks for help, I feel the urge to do it right away, dropping everything I'm doing. Instead, I could, say give them a time at which I'd be able to help. Now, this is the kind of (self-imposed) unfairness I'm questioning. Why do I do this?
Yes, there is a feeling of satisfaction from helping others. Yes, I'm the "sweet" guy. But why is this important to hear for me? Why do I have to be nice to others, sometimes even at the cost of myself? Why can't I ever say "no"?
As I pondered over these questions, other things came up. I wanted to feel needed. I feel that I need to get (the right kind of) attention. It is an issue of feeling powerful too -- others need me to do this and do that. They can't do it without me. There is also an insecurity. What if they don't like me? I dread it. I fear it. I want to be like-able and never feel unwanted.
Until now, I've been giving into this insecurity, rather than fighting it. It makes me feel wanted and happy. It is even addictive; for, there are times when I wish someone would ask me for help!
There is also a much older belief that is playing its part. Growing up, I was taught that bad things happen to bad people. So, if I had been molested, I must have been a bad person. Also, much of my memory is lost or is second hand. This makes me a lot more nervous. Given that I come from an abusive family, I always worry that I'm going to turn into them. Now, with a lot of my memories being just blank... a clean slate, whatever you want to call it, this gives me jitters. I feel that my own mind is hiding a darker side of me. I really feel anxious and panicky when I think about this. This makes me want to help even more, as if all the help I do now is going to make up for it.
This is how far I've gotten so far. May be I'll write more tomorrow.
1 comment:
Hey there. I think that you have to be fair to yourself and not only to others, to be able to treat yourself fairly and not put others above yourself.
I did that for awhile - putting others above me and then get mad when my needs weren't getting met. But then I came to realize that when I was doing things for others, it was to make them owe me, not necessarily to REALLY help them. I think that's especially true if you take care of them over taking care of you....because then whose responsibility does it become to take care of you.
It takes a long time to learn how to help others without dropping what you're doing, without stopping taking care of yourself. I think the goal is balancing doing things with others while still being able to take care of yourself.
Good luck!
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