Today I've regressed back into my physical twitches. The same ones I get when I'm thinking about my abuse incidents. I even jumped (scared and anxious) when I saw this scene on TV, where a hand taps another person's shoulder from behind.
Later, I was watching a movie that was talking about memories of youth. It made me think back on my own memories. All my memories until a few years ago appear to be rather vague or abrupt. Most of those memories from my school and undergraduate days appear to be of a second hand nature. I am unable to recall them as my personal memories. Instead, they seem to be memories created by someone telling me what happened or how it happened. The memories are mine, yet not mine own. It feels very empty. It has the same feeling as making memories of watching a movie from a friend giving me a movie review as if I were there! Nothing in that feels tangible. I do not know why... I don't understand this.
There are exceptions to this. Most of them are "negative" memories. A few are neutral (the earliest one from when I was 2½ years old). A handful are even positive. In fact, I seem to have forgotten even those things that happened when I went to my parent's home last year. Yet, everything I did with א seems very vivid and fresh in my memory. I'm not sure what to make of this. It doesn't make me feel comfortable though, especially when I start speculating about what else I might have forgotten! I find it challenging to stay mindful of this without getting attached.
Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have "second-hand self-memories" like I do? I'd appreciate hearing from you.
1 comment:
I've experienced a twitching when I am about to fall asleep. I was raped right after I fell asleep, so my body developed this twitch to protect me by not letting me fall asleep. After years of medication and therapy, it finally has (mostly tfu tfu) gone away.
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