Yesterday night was tough. I realized that it wasn't about א as much as it was about what א represented -- my failure. Yes it is a let down I need to work on. But it was important to notice it.
As an abuse survivor, I had hoped to be more sensitive to other people's needs and feelings. I see א as a reflection of a lack of just that. I also wonder if I could ever be... in short, I feel myself as unworthy, undeserving and supremely guilty. I found myself in the middle of this quagmire yesterday evening. I sat with it, for a while.
Soon, I started losing sleep. I woke up. This time my focus was different. I was recalling images. I got angry that he screwed up my life. It was because of him that I couldn't be "normal". Perhaps if it had not happened, I would have been better with א. Then came all the may-bes and what-ifs. Before I knew, I was very angry and deeply saddened. I started crying, wondering if I'll ever be able to get out of the grave that has been dug for me.
A sleep and hours of work later, I'm back here, writing. But from a better place. I know I'm getting better at handling all this. The trick I guess is to simply keep moving, even if it is from one depression to another. Just keep moving.
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