EMDR

I had a very powerful session of EMDR today. I was moved way more than I've ever been previously. It was sad to see how my trauma had spilled over and affected a wide gamut of things. I was dismayed, in particular, by the effect it had had on my relationship with א. Ah well, it is what it is.

This EMDR filled up quite a lot of my somatic memories and I couldn't help but wonder at how long and how deep it had been buried. It had been burnt in to me, deeper than anything I know. I call myself, "stupid" -- but really meaning, "ashamed of myself". That is what I told my T. Upon more reflection, I suspect it ends there. There is an additional feeling of me being "unworthy". I'm still amazed EMDR works. It is such an abstract procedure that evokes quite interesting feelings. I'm also fascinated by how it fills in the gaps in memories. It is quite amazing in fact, especially considering that it started out practically like a free association. I wonder if this experience is common among others who have had EMDR .

Another thing with EMDR is that I find it so tiring, every single time. I feel today was the worst. I could NOT relax my muscles at all! I was so hard for me to let go. Man, I'm so exhausted from all that muscle contraction. Nevertheless, I made myself go to yoga. It was even more exhausting. I had to take breaks and go into child pose quite frequently. I'm beat now.