Mindfulness & yoga

I've been holding off on this post for a while. But, reminiscing over the past two years and going over some of my yester-year journals over the last weekend, combined with my own online "research" in the last 2 weeks, along with my upcoming Refuge Vow ceremony (to officially become Buddhist) have lead me here... to this post.

In the past 2 weeks I've dared to explore more on child abuse stuff online than I've before. In the process, I came across Dr. Jim Hopper's website where he talks about Mindfulness and Child abuse. He pays his respects to Jon Kabat-Zinn and expands further upon that. I was reading his article, co-authored with Amy Schmidt, entitled "Mindfulness, An Inner Resource for Recovery from Child Abuse". I came across this,

"...Practicing bringing your attention to whatever arises in the present moment, and noticing it without judgment, makes you much more likely to notice positive experiences and emotions and much less likely to judge or dismiss them. Particularly when your mind is moving more slowly, and is relatively spacious, positive feelings have an opportunity to grow, last longer and lead to other positive feelings. And many positive emotions, particularly feelings of appreciation, kindness and love, help to enhance the mind's calmness."

This is very true. In fact, this was one of the exercises my T gave me when I started out on therapy. I remember even downloading a Palm program (moodylog) to log my emotional states all through the day, whenever I can. The point wasn't to judge the emotion, just to notice and potentially label them.

When I first tried this, I noticed only sadness, fear, shame, self-effacing hatred, self-ridicule, embarrassment, sorrow, desperation and a respite in the guise of numbness and depression. However, within 2 or 3 days, I started noticing glimpses of neutrality and even elation. These days, I've come to realize that it is mostly the other way around -- I'm mostly feeling neutral with a sprinkling of sadness, fear, shame, self-guilt and anger. I even see elation quite a lot. I'm more often than not coming to terms with just noticing, labeling and letting go... simply being mindful of them without getting caught up in them. This, as Dr. Hopper says, enhances my mind's calmness. For this, I'm unabashedly grateful to my T.

That said, mindfulness is a skill that involves patience and perseverance; and it can also cause a lot of pain sometimes. That is where yoga is helpful. For some reason, it is easier to be mindful when I'm in motion as in yoga. I'm noticing my bodily sensation very acutely and my own mind is attuned to emotions much better. It is as if someone put an amplifier for these and somehow filtered out all other noises. That is not to say that the mind doesn't chatter. It definitely does, but it is easier to notice, label and let go.

Perhaps by doing yoga, I'm able to "feel" my body more than I'm able to otherwise. Perhaps I'm able to tune to my body, rather than disconnect from it. The latter being the strategy I've taken since... well, since whatever happened.

Journey to nowhere...

I woke up today with this poem right off the bed. Pretty much set the tone for today. But I took it well. Nevertheless, I still felt rejected and isolated. It takes a lot to remind myself that I'm not alone.

Ego bruised
Self-esteem sullied
Pride dented
A society's reject continues...

Stories to forget
Memories to regret
Pains that upset
A society's reject continues...

Shame persists
Reactions indelible
Emotions unintelligible
A society's reject continues...

Restitution hides
Truth lies
Justice desists
A society's reject continues...

Respite sulks
Relief balks
Nightmares run amok
A society's reject continues...

Days push on
Years pass on
Silence goes on
A society's reject continues...

Forever and forever,
A society's reject continues...
on this journey to nowhere.

Being mindful of "the hand"

During my mindfulness meditation today, I kept going back to the imagery... the hand reaching across the chest. It kept me a bit jumpy. I kept coming back to the breath. But this was interesting because I do not remember having any trigger, none at all. I suppose I know where I'm stuck right now. It was so hard not to move. I literally had to twitch, however hard I tried to simply be mindful of it. At least it came from the fact that I noticed it and "allowed" it to happen, rather than simply react to the feeling without even me noticing it. Feels good to notice the improvement.

Epiphany of Hope

A storm passed,
Veils lifted,
Glare thwarted,

Apparition disappears,
Cloud clears,
Gloom veers,

The wall is broken,
The shell is cracked open,
Melancholy... it's forsaken,

The shadows are slain,
The pains abstain,
Tears refrain,

Hope...
It shows up!

Dissociation?

The weekend was good. Starting Sunday, I've been feeling really good. I'm just fine, accepting myself. I'm very much at peace with myself. It is kinda cool. But here is the dissociation part. It is a bit scary.
Somewhere during the weekend, I started thinking that it was April already. I didn't realize it until I heard back from a friend, a friend I had wished a happy birthday for (thinking it was April). It still feels a lot like April. I do not understand why or how this happened.

The nearest to an explanation I have is that there is the Chinese new year. Perhaps I somehow jumped to the Tamil New year from there.... I don't know. Has this happened to anyone else?

Just keep moving!

Yesterday night was tough. I realized that it wasn't about א as much as it was about what א represented -- my failure. Yes it is a let down I need to work on. But it was important to notice it.

As an abuse survivor, I had hoped to be more sensitive to other people's needs and feelings. I see א as a reflection of a lack of just that. I also wonder if I could ever be... in short, I feel myself as unworthy, undeserving and supremely guilty. I found myself in the middle of this quagmire yesterday evening. I sat with it, for a while.

Soon, I started losing sleep. I woke up. This time my focus was different. I was recalling images. I got angry that he screwed up my life. It was because of him that I couldn't be "normal". Perhaps if it had not happened, I would have been better with א. Then came all the may-bes and what-ifs. Before I knew, I was very angry and deeply saddened. I started crying, wondering if I'll ever be able to get out of the grave that has been dug for me.

A sleep and hours of work later, I'm back here, writing. But from a better place. I know I'm getting better at handling all this. The trick I guess is to simply keep moving, even if it is from one depression to another. Just keep moving.

Feeling accepted

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday. When we happen to broach the subject of child abuse, she started by saying, "What happened to you was wrong, very wrong". I noted how fulfilling it was to hear that. No, it wasn't the usual, "I don't believe it happened", expressing astonishment. It wasn't a, "I believe you", which while way better than the former, still feels empty. It is the strongest acknowledgment I could ever ask for.

By uttering those words, she not only acknowledged that I had gone through it, but also recognized that injustice was done. I doubt I would have done the same in her place. It takes a lot of maturity and understanding that goes beyond one's own experience. She bridged that gap. That makes me appreciate her friendship a lot more. Most of all, it makes me trust her even more.

As for today, I'm still feeling tired from yesterday's EMDR. There are emotional swells that bring me to the verge of crying. So far, I've tried to be in the moment.

EMDR

I had a very powerful session of EMDR today. I was moved way more than I've ever been previously. It was sad to see how my trauma had spilled over and affected a wide gamut of things. I was dismayed, in particular, by the effect it had had on my relationship with א. Ah well, it is what it is.

This EMDR filled up quite a lot of my somatic memories and I couldn't help but wonder at how long and how deep it had been buried. It had been burnt in to me, deeper than anything I know. I call myself, "stupid" -- but really meaning, "ashamed of myself". That is what I told my T. Upon more reflection, I suspect it ends there. There is an additional feeling of me being "unworthy". I'm still amazed EMDR works. It is such an abstract procedure that evokes quite interesting feelings. I'm also fascinated by how it fills in the gaps in memories. It is quite amazing in fact, especially considering that it started out practically like a free association. I wonder if this experience is common among others who have had EMDR .

Another thing with EMDR is that I find it so tiring, every single time. I feel today was the worst. I could NOT relax my muscles at all! I was so hard for me to let go. Man, I'm so exhausted from all that muscle contraction. Nevertheless, I made myself go to yoga. It was even more exhausting. I had to take breaks and go into child pose quite frequently. I'm beat now.

Yes, the world just inverted itself.

This is my first poem in nearly 1.5 years.

The sun filters through,
Not from the roof, or the window,
But off the floor,
Yes, the world just inverted itself.

The shutter pulled down,
The window closed with doors,
The curtain pulled in between,
A darkness descended in the afternoon,
Yes, the world just inverted itself.

No clouds to cover the sun,
No moisture to make clouds,
No water to make moisture,
Only me, to make tears,
Yes, the world just inverted itself.

The sun is too bright,
The glare is unbearable,
There is too much exposure,
The reliving continues...
Yes, the world just inverted itself.

Sun's glare in my eyes

I'm not feeling very good today. I feel the need to isolate myself. I want to avoid all social contexts. I don't feel like eating right. I need chocolate. In other words, I'm depressed.

I woke up, not feeling very good. Didn't feel like going to yoga. I got myself there anyways, knowing that I usually feel better after yoga. As the class started, the sun glared in my eyes, reflecting off the snow outside the room. Reminded me of things. I couldn't do yoga as I usually am able to. I simply wanted to go back home and brood. I wanted to cry. I stuck with it and finished the class. Got home and haven't done anything productive since then. I wonder how others deal with it when they get their triggers.

I can't write any further... but I'm going to try and write my story this weekend, for my own sake.

Disturbing

I saw this on ABC last Friday. I couldn't watch the whole think. Here they follow the suicide note of a guy who was sexually abused as a kid by a lot of people including his own mother. This is really really disturbing. It is called Revenge Against Religious Sect. It is sad that the kid had to kill himself. Having seen the documentary, although only partially, it makes me feel all the more better about myself for not having to have gone through all that. Perhaps "feel all the more blessed" is the right way to say it. I'm not sure.

It stimulates feelings of anger and frustration in me. Not revenge, for I see even the predators as simply "messed up". I really pity them sometimes. No, I cannot forgive them for what they do, but I can still feel sorry for them. What if it were just a chemical imbalance and they are truly just helpless inside? I mean, depression is sometimes simply a chemical imbalance, so are a lot of mental disorders. What if the predator is only one side of a multiple personality disorder? I suppose I'm thinking in terms of Dr. Jekyll and Hyde. What if? Does it then make it right to punish them? Or, should we as a society help them?

Does pressing charges really help? Shouldn't we be spending more time in educating, meaning dealing with them for real, instead of simply hiding and isolating them away from the society? Is this really justice? I'm not saying pressing charges is unjust. Wouldn't it be better to have one predator turned to the other side and have them fight against others? Is jail term the best way to do this? Could we use their guilt (if they have it) to do something more productive? We have to remember everything that there is, is both good and bad. All of life is a two edged sword. Perhaps it is important to point both edges away from us instead of simply hiding one edge and pretending it is a one-sided sword. That can be a dangerous game to play.

Second chance

As I was sitting in meditation today, I realized one thing.

Every day I wake up, I'm having a second chance at life.

How cool is that!!! I'm having a second chance right now. Not many people have that option. In my life, I'm having a second chance right now. Every minute is another opportunity. How silly would I be if I didn't take hold of it?

As the day went along, I tried letting my mind wander into things I need to think about. It is not easy to think about, because it is not solid to hold on anymore. The mind simply doesn't want to latch on. Nevertheless, as I tried, it came to me (influenced by something on TV) that every "dark" personality comes from a "dark" background. There is a probably a terrible childhood story behind that. Seeing sexual predators makes me almost want to feel pity for them. Almost being the key word there.

A soothing shower

In continuation of my last post...
I recalled a lot more details after that, plenty of finer details. I remember the conversations that were. Yet, there is one part, one essential detail that still eludes me. Recalling that would give me the completeness I seek. I talked to my therapist again, I needed to. It was different. I was able to talk about, in quite the vivid detail I had in my head without too much hesitation. Some of my deeply ingrained patterns now have a reason to them.

I find it interesting that another friend of mine, who also has gone through a recent rape, found showering very soothing. What is it? I know, there is a feeling clean instead of dirty factor. Somehow, I don't suppose that is not it all for me. There is more to it. Hard to express. To feel the water drops drip-drop and splatter off the skin is comforting. Perhaps it is a reminder of how everything in life has a cycle. May be it is a sense of shielding... the water cannot penetrate; it has to splatter off my skin, the closest I can come to a shield? May be I'm simply over thinking this. Could it be more fundamental than that? Rain brings water to the ground and stimulates growth... rain water activates the ground bacteria that start fixing nitrogen in the ground, leaving more oxygen in the atmosphere. Yes, it is stretch, but hey, it is afterall my blog :-)
While I'm stretching thus, might as well include one more hypothesis: "we are born in water". Being inside the amniotic fluid is perhaps the most basal instinct we have for safety. Thinking about it, we curl up when we need to feel safe (or cozy). That is perhaps what I intended to obtain from the shower.