Jealousy and walk-ins

Three days ago, on Thursday, I woke up from a dream feeling jealous because in that dream my ex, א, was hanging out with someone else. While I knew it was just a dream and just my own creation, it didn't go away. I had to really fight it.

I've been thinking about it. Jealousy runs in my family... my dad, my mother, my granddad! Can I ever overcome this? That is one thought I had. On the other hand, I also saw how jealousy was my own creation... a delusion.

Of all the so called "negative" feelings like greed, hate, anger, etc, it appears to me that jealousy is the most easily justifiable and the most unreasonable.

It appears that this stems from the fact that we delude ourselves in to thinking that our favors are to be returned or that our feelings are to be reciprocated. (In this particular instance, I expect my ex to still want to be with me.) When we feel that this feeling is not reciprocated, we feel dejected or angry. But when this feeling we project, instead of being reciprocated, gets directed at someone else, we feel jealous. We expect to be the one at the receiving end. But this is our own demand that is simply unreasonable. We also find it easy to justify because as human beings we expect reciprocation. We always play a non-zero game and we don't want to give anything away for free. Especially when it comes to love, when not reciprocated and redirected, it feels a lot worse. We actually feel that we have the right to be at the receiving end. Otherwise, we feel used. Hence, it become easily justifiable.

Perhaps I find it even more justifiable, because of the many times I've been used and betrayed. So, when I'm not at the receiving end, I think I'm not just being used by that I'm being betrayed and stabbed in the back. My mom did it by using my trust to meet her lover and continue with her affair. She stabbed me right through my heart when she said that he meant more to her than me or my sister, her own kids! Add that to the fact that I was molested, sexual abused, and shamed in front of others by family members and strangers alike. I've got a monster in my head.... I think everyone is out there to use me.

I think that I walk in to those several times (self-blame, I notice as I write this). At the same time, I'm holding on to this idea/ideal that I've not let anyone close to me since my mom betrayed me, until I met א. So, I value my love for א much more than anything else. May be that is why it hurts more that she broke up with me. May be that is why I think breaking up with me would mean that she just used me... and I hate to feel that she too did me in. I don't want to think that my time with א was simply another one of my "walk-ins". It is weird logic and even I don't get it. But when is matters of heart ever rational!

May be none of this is a reason and I just want to hide behind these so I don't have to face the facts that I'm a loser.

PS: I was talking to א earlier today and she told me that she was, "just hanging out", today. Makes me place more value in my dream and hence I wrote this post.

Riding the roller coaster

I've had an interesting week. I went from being upset over how I'm still hung up on my ex to feeling fine to feeling upset to now feeling alright. In parallel, I was going through memory recalls and memory absence recall. I was reliving my trauma for a day or two. Had a wonderful cooking day for a pot luck dinner. Went to a vegetarians group and made friends. I had a talk with my ex where she expressed her stand and I mine. After that I felt completely fine. We went for a bike ride the next day, without me having to face any pain.

Come today, I was feeling the painful pangs again. I let it be just pain as best as I could, just being mindful of it. Some of it got translated to suffering. But being mindful actually helped a bit. The bigger help, I think came from this: After a long time, I actually felt comfortable and satisfied when talking to my family today. Unfortunately though, I'm feeling apprehensive about my grandma. Somehow, I get the sense that she is preparing herself for her approaching death. It is a bit disturbing. When talking to her, I felt as if her life was slowly ebbing away. I don't know what to make of it. She was still funny, cogent and fun to talk to as always. Yet there was a certain spark that felt dimmer.

Later today, I went to, what I consider, my foster family here. They took me to dinner and then to a neighborhood fest here. It was fun. I was thinking about my ex when I saw a stall selling dragons. When I got back to my apartment building, I saw her entering as well. Turns out she also went to the same neighborhood fest and she too had thought about me when she was by the same stall! :-) Makes me feel happy and removed at the same time.

On the whole, despite the vin rouge, I'm feeling fine today. I say despite because I usually feel reticent, if not depressed, after some ethanol in my blood.

Second-hand self-memories

Today I've regressed back into my physical twitches. The same ones I get when I'm thinking about my abuse incidents. I even jumped (scared and anxious) when I saw this scene on TV, where a hand taps another person's shoulder from behind.

Later, I was watching a movie that was talking about memories of youth. It made me think back on my own memories. All my memories until a few years ago appear to be rather vague or abrupt. Most of those memories from my school and undergraduate days appear to be of a second hand nature. I am unable to recall them as my personal memories. Instead, they seem to be memories created by someone telling me what happened or how it happened. The memories are mine, yet not mine own. It feels very empty. It has the same feeling as making memories of watching a movie from a friend giving me a movie review as if I were there! Nothing in that feels tangible. I do not know why... I don't understand this.

There are exceptions to this. Most of them are "negative" memories. A few are neutral (the earliest one from when I was 2½ years old). A handful are even positive. In fact, I seem to have forgotten even those things that happened when I went to my parent's home last year. Yet, everything I did with א seems very vivid and fresh in my memory. I'm not sure what to make of this. It doesn't make me feel comfortable though, especially when I start speculating about what else I might have forgotten! I find it challenging to stay mindful of this without getting attached.

Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have "second-hand self-memories" like I do? I'd appreciate hearing from you.

Feeling used

Why do I do this to myself? I'm depressed again. I've been hanging out with א, my ex, recently. It is hard to believe that I still want to be with her, she has moved on. She initiated this contact, but I'm the one who is reeling in pain.

I still harbor hopes of getting back together again. She seemed receptive initially, hesitant but receptive. After a week she started withdrawing. I wanted to kiss her once. But she stopped me, saying she was in a crazy place. I respected that and left it at that. I let her call me after that and she did. We have been hanging out after that.

Last Thursday, I felt the butterflies in my stomach again; The same ones I felt when I first started going out with her. Once again I could not concentrate on work. I had the pleasurable butterflies in my stomach to deal with. At that point I knew again that I loved her, still!
I simply cannot get over it. I do not understand why I'm grasping at her this much. I've never before obsessed over anything this much. Even those things I was obsessed over, I was able to let go much more easily. Heck, I do not lose myself like this even when I think about any of my molesters!

א was my first one and only one I dared enough to open up and go out with. When we broke up the first time, I was hoping to get back with her. When we broke up the second time, I thought I was doing better because I started letting her go. But now I'm back there. I am unable to not feel the passion for her. I even tried "letting" it be. But my feelings for her are overwhelming at times, like it is now. She canceled on me today because of rain. We were planning on going for a bike ride. But I was hoping we could instead go for dinner due to the rain. Perhaps she doesn't want to hang out with me, other than for biking. It makes me wonder if I'm simply being used? Am I?

Something I read over the week triggered a chain of thoughts for me. Growing up in an abusive environment, I've always done what pleases others. Perhaps, in doing so, I got something I wanted. May be I'm trying to please א and trying to get something in return from her... and I find it impossible. Is this it... a "need to please"? Is that why I'm feeling "used" by א when she hangs out only when she wants something and not when I want something? Hmm, my thoughts go back to one of my earlier posts: Actions and expectations. It is my expectation of the result that is causing this suffering I'm now experiencing. That is perhaps what I need to let go.

Practicing tong len

To let it be. My friend told me his word of the month was "let". Now, I'm hooked on to it. Let suffering be suffering, to let pain be pain, to let grasping be grasping. In doing so, I'm simply labeling them for what they are without judgment, I find. While it is challenging, I also notice that it increases my awareness of what things are.

Today, I noticed how much suffering was there around me. Sometimes I'm so focussed on my own suffering that I miss those of others around me. Today was a day when the reverse happened. I noticed the joy, the pain, the confusion and the sadness in people around me. I was touched by the state of two people in particular.
One is a colleague. I noticed in his eyes a lot of sadness, over what I do not know. I inquired about how he was doing. Not knowing if should push it any further, and how I should do it, I didn't push any further. I simply did some tong len for him.
The second is a neighborhood friend I practiced meditation with today; the same one I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Despite the fact that he is in a lot of pain and suffering, he has an amazingly positive attitude. Hanging out with him gave a lot of confidence in myself fro some reason. Also, it made me feel so much more blessed and damn lucky; for my health is a luxury compared to his.

I was at the Dalai Lama's talk recently. He talked about biased and unbiased compassion; the former based on actions and the latter based on the person. I thought it was a pretty good way of expressing it. The compassion I had expressed today might be partially biased. But there is the slightest possibility that they were unbiased. That makes me feel better. I've been trying to be more patient and compassionate recently. Perhaps my efforts are in the right direction. It feels fulfilling when I just do something out of compassion, without expecting anything in return. But, I'm worried about letting myself be abused by my own new found enthusiasm for compassion. I'm known to do that.... I should keep an eye on to catch these patterns early before they excalate into something bigger.

Low self-image

I went to my T last week. I couldn't take it anymore. I was not able to sit with my depression. I was too embarrassed to talk at all. But, it was good in some ways to see how I was holding on to some old, very old patterns. I find it hard still to let go of some of the embarrassment associated with my own body--my self-image.

I get angry thinking about it. I get angry at (one of) my molester(s). I had felt anger before, not at him, but as a more generic anger directed towards the injustice, the society that led to such injustice and so on. I somehow didn't direct my anger at him. I saw him only as a product of the society and didn't blame him. But since last week, I'm angry at him. For screwing my life up, for screwing the life of the other kids,... for making me ashamed of my own body. The onus of the body image factor might be on me, but the initial direction was misguided.

Once an arrow leaves the bow, it is not easy to turn its direction. That is what is going on with my self-image. It has been reinforced by several other incidents. Sadly, I didn't realize the automatic thoughts in this process, until last week. Instead, I had used my issues with self-image to chastise myself even further, only leading to a recursive deprecation of self-image.

I'm now trying to school myself to build it again, rather erase the old patterns and lay the foundation for a new healthier one. If it is like anything else I've faced already, it is going to be a long and bumpy road with more pain than I would perhaps like. Hopefully, I'll have the courage to continue down this road, to make at least some progress. It does give me a hint of hope to know that others have made it beyond this point... hopefully, I'll make it too.

Actions and expectations

I learnt a lesson from my own words today. I was writing a post on karma theory today. I was interpreting one of the famous lines from the Bhagavad Gita, "karmaNye vaadhikaraste..."

My own interpretation of the line is, "Do your actions, not based on the expected results". It is easier said than done, of course. But, writing about it made me realize that I was not doing as I was saying. I was expecting certain results and doing things accordingly. I was doing things without being aware of my own expectations on the results. This led me to feel disappointed, sad, and even depressed that despite all my efforts the results weren't as I expected them to be.

As I thought more about it, I realized what unconditional love meant... to do what I'd want to do, irrrespective of whether or not it is reciprocated. It is has to come from within, out of a choice to do what I really want to do, whether or not the results turn out to be as we expect it to be.

As I write this, I also realize that my interpretation is more akin to the Buddhist interpretation rather than a Hindu interpretation (in practice).