Riding the roller coaster

I've had an interesting week. I went from being upset over how I'm still hung up on my ex to feeling fine to feeling upset to now feeling alright. In parallel, I was going through memory recalls and memory absence recall. I was reliving my trauma for a day or two. Had a wonderful cooking day for a pot luck dinner. Went to a vegetarians group and made friends. I had a talk with my ex where she expressed her stand and I mine. After that I felt completely fine. We went for a bike ride the next day, without me having to face any pain.

Come today, I was feeling the painful pangs again. I let it be just pain as best as I could, just being mindful of it. Some of it got translated to suffering. But being mindful actually helped a bit. The bigger help, I think came from this: After a long time, I actually felt comfortable and satisfied when talking to my family today. Unfortunately though, I'm feeling apprehensive about my grandma. Somehow, I get the sense that she is preparing herself for her approaching death. It is a bit disturbing. When talking to her, I felt as if her life was slowly ebbing away. I don't know what to make of it. She was still funny, cogent and fun to talk to as always. Yet there was a certain spark that felt dimmer.

Later today, I went to, what I consider, my foster family here. They took me to dinner and then to a neighborhood fest here. It was fun. I was thinking about my ex when I saw a stall selling dragons. When I got back to my apartment building, I saw her entering as well. Turns out she also went to the same neighborhood fest and she too had thought about me when she was by the same stall! :-) Makes me feel happy and removed at the same time.

On the whole, despite the vin rouge, I'm feeling fine today. I say despite because I usually feel reticent, if not depressed, after some ethanol in my blood.