Feeling used

Why do I do this to myself? I'm depressed again. I've been hanging out with א, my ex, recently. It is hard to believe that I still want to be with her, she has moved on. She initiated this contact, but I'm the one who is reeling in pain.

I still harbor hopes of getting back together again. She seemed receptive initially, hesitant but receptive. After a week she started withdrawing. I wanted to kiss her once. But she stopped me, saying she was in a crazy place. I respected that and left it at that. I let her call me after that and she did. We have been hanging out after that.

Last Thursday, I felt the butterflies in my stomach again; The same ones I felt when I first started going out with her. Once again I could not concentrate on work. I had the pleasurable butterflies in my stomach to deal with. At that point I knew again that I loved her, still!
I simply cannot get over it. I do not understand why I'm grasping at her this much. I've never before obsessed over anything this much. Even those things I was obsessed over, I was able to let go much more easily. Heck, I do not lose myself like this even when I think about any of my molesters!

א was my first one and only one I dared enough to open up and go out with. When we broke up the first time, I was hoping to get back with her. When we broke up the second time, I thought I was doing better because I started letting her go. But now I'm back there. I am unable to not feel the passion for her. I even tried "letting" it be. But my feelings for her are overwhelming at times, like it is now. She canceled on me today because of rain. We were planning on going for a bike ride. But I was hoping we could instead go for dinner due to the rain. Perhaps she doesn't want to hang out with me, other than for biking. It makes me wonder if I'm simply being used? Am I?

Something I read over the week triggered a chain of thoughts for me. Growing up in an abusive environment, I've always done what pleases others. Perhaps, in doing so, I got something I wanted. May be I'm trying to please א and trying to get something in return from her... and I find it impossible. Is this it... a "need to please"? Is that why I'm feeling "used" by א when she hangs out only when she wants something and not when I want something? Hmm, my thoughts go back to one of my earlier posts: Actions and expectations. It is my expectation of the result that is causing this suffering I'm now experiencing. That is perhaps what I need to let go.