Low self-image

I went to my T last week. I couldn't take it anymore. I was not able to sit with my depression. I was too embarrassed to talk at all. But, it was good in some ways to see how I was holding on to some old, very old patterns. I find it hard still to let go of some of the embarrassment associated with my own body--my self-image.

I get angry thinking about it. I get angry at (one of) my molester(s). I had felt anger before, not at him, but as a more generic anger directed towards the injustice, the society that led to such injustice and so on. I somehow didn't direct my anger at him. I saw him only as a product of the society and didn't blame him. But since last week, I'm angry at him. For screwing my life up, for screwing the life of the other kids,... for making me ashamed of my own body. The onus of the body image factor might be on me, but the initial direction was misguided.

Once an arrow leaves the bow, it is not easy to turn its direction. That is what is going on with my self-image. It has been reinforced by several other incidents. Sadly, I didn't realize the automatic thoughts in this process, until last week. Instead, I had used my issues with self-image to chastise myself even further, only leading to a recursive deprecation of self-image.

I'm now trying to school myself to build it again, rather erase the old patterns and lay the foundation for a new healthier one. If it is like anything else I've faced already, it is going to be a long and bumpy road with more pain than I would perhaps like. Hopefully, I'll have the courage to continue down this road, to make at least some progress. It does give me a hint of hope to know that others have made it beyond this point... hopefully, I'll make it too.