Why now?

Why now? That is the question I've been asking myself since I met with my T last week. This goes back to my childhood experiences and why I'm thinking about revealing it to my parents. I've been nervous about coming clean about it, and still am. I do not know for sure how they would react and I'm not sure I want to hear even the slightest doubt when I do tell my family about it. On the one hand, I'm afraid I'd go ballistic; on the other hand, I wish I could finally show my parents, especially my mom that I'm not all that she thinks I'm.
As a relevant aside, my mom has always been very (and I mean VERY) possessive of me. Also, she has always presumed that she knows me, my tastes, my wants, and my desires so well. She feels confident about knowing me. So, part of me wants to show her that she doesn't know me.

I was watching Frasier today, an episode where Frasier and Martin Crane find out about their respective spouse's extra-marital affairs. It made me realize that I'm really upset about my mom's affair with B. I simply cannot get over the fact that she used me as an excuse to meet with B. I was so naive to have gone alone with it, all the while not acknowledging what was really going on. She took every opportunity to use me as an excuse to get out of the house and spend some time with B. I had to cover for her numerous times. She slept with him, and I willfully ignored all the evidence towards it. I was so stupid! lol

Recalling that I heard her say that B was more important than her own kids, makes me upset. I find it funny that I didn't get upset or angry at her when she said that, whereas, it upsets me now. I remember feeling scared that she would not bother to care about me and only hoping to hold on to her more tightly. Although this was a long time ago, it still hurts to recall all those incidents. In retrospect, I felt completely used. Worse, I even defended her against my dad. I wronged my dad in that sense. I'm unable to face myself for it.

All that pent up anger against my mom is now coming up, as I find my mom increasingly grasping for me. Her presumptions about how she knows me so well, seem so... arrogant, lacking any ground. The "over-confidence" she has in her supposed understanding of me is getting to me. I find this conceited and even vainglorious. It is damn right annoying and bothersome. This combined with her fawning, excessive doting over me is plain and simple irksome... not just for me, but also for my sister. It is making me so uncomfortable that I do not want to go home for my sister's wedding. But, that is not really an option.

So, I chose the next best thing to do... to put a distance between me and my mom. I choose to do it by saying the one thing I know will for sure make her gasp and take a step back. This would also make her (and my other family members) back down on their pushing me to marry soon. It is like my panacea -- my mom away, put some distance between me and everyone in my family, gain some respect of my own, get some wiggle room for making my own decisions, and not to mention, be a bit better able to build a case for my celibacy (or for not being stuck with an arranged marriage).

Well, this is how far, I got today. I'll be talking to my T soon. We'll see what happens...

PS: I've decided to try and keep my blog updated more often from now on.