Wow, what a change! After my last post, I left to go continue my vajrayana weekend course that involved contemplating on death. As I was leaving, I decided, yes "decided" that I was going to use my sister's joy at getting engaged into my own joy. Guess what, the whole thing flipped upside down. I'm just fine now. It is so weird.
Yes, I still love א, no change in that. I'm back to expressing my unconditional love for her instead of putting clauses on it. So, I was able to completely relax about it and let things be. Suddenly, I realize the Buddhist notion of how everything is a choice. It really is. That is not to say that there is no sadness. I'm very sad, but I don't have to be upset about it. Again, I'm sure this is probably just a temporary state, but hey, I'll take anything I can. I'm 100% glad that I'm not stuck in that hell I was in just earlier. Being able to open up the way I did today, and say, "I love her, but she doesn't have", was very empowering.
While I can see how one might perceive this as acting like a piece of dirt that everyone walks over, I completely do not feel that way. I feel this love for her expanding to accepting that she doesn't. Yes, I still hope that she would at some point. I'm sad that it isn't the case now and that it might never be so. But, I'm completely comfortable with it. I'm unable to express myself in a better way than that. It just expanded somehow. It feels great.
PS: My skeptical mind speaking: Let's see how long this lasts!
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