Why can't I post?

I hate myself. I never seem to post when things are manageable. Now that I'm back to feeling overwhelmed, I want to post. Why? Whatever!

Now that I've to be go back to visit India for my sister's wedding, I've been on a hot plate. First, I'll be in a situation where I'll have to meet my cousin who violated me when I was 5 and I'll have to meet this other stranger (I still don't know his name... only his profession, based on how he was referred to "bag man") who molested me when I was 14. Initially I was dealing with only this. Now, I'm back to pining for א. I really really really want to be with her... but I'm not sure she even remotely does anymore. Add to this the fact that I'm going to be under the crosshair about my marriage when I go to India. I mean, I cannot really express how much I want to be with her. I've been trying to love her unconditionally. It had been working. But now that I'm participating in a vajrayana course of sorts, where א is also going, has made me be really overwhelmed by my own situation. Thankfully, it is only for the weekend. I'm not sure I can take it anymore than that, especially, when I feel that she tries to ignore or push me away. (Sure, it could just be my own projections, but it sure hurts).

My celibacy vow (oh yeah, I took that on Feb 14 after giving א a lot of expensive gifts, thought it appropriate... ) is supposedly still in place, but the pain of separation from א is overwhelming right now. I know she said that she is not in any place to be in any relationship right now and I'm not willing to be in any relationship with anyone else. Also, not being with her was very much frustrating me. So, I took the celibacy vow (not necessarily with an indefinite time period), as a way of controlling my own urges and emotions. I thought by legitimizing my feelings of being lonely, given my (self-imposed) "commitment to א", with a formal vow, I'll be better able to take control of my own life. For some reason, going out with any other woman is simply not appealing to me at all. I tried and I couldn't. Sure, I hear that I should try harder. But, I'm seriously incapable of it. I've tried my level best. So, I'm trying to accept my own limitations as is as any buddhist is supposed to do. Fact is, I freaking suck at this. It is not a celibacy vow, it is more of a "marriage" vow... a vow of commitment to only א and no one else. It sucks big time. Though I know that she is not dating anyone else, feeling rejected makes me feel horrible.
Perhaps it will be a good thing that א is moving later this year to a new city. But I hate it that I'll lose her. I'll probably adjust to it, eventually. But then, my other good friend, K, is also moving. I'm going to be left friendless and alone, once again. I hated it before. I'm going to hate it again and I hate myself right now. I suck.

I'm desperate for a hug. Goddamit... why the f*** do I still love א? Why the f*** can't I be strong? Why the f*** do I have to go back to India? Why the f*** do I have to answer questions about my marriage? Why the f*** do I have to hide who I'm from my so-called family? Why the f*** do I have to meet that f****** cuz and that f***** (quite literally, unfortunately) bag man? What the f*** do I have to live for?

Clearly, I'm going into another big time depression. Yay! My only constant friend is back... welcome Misery. I hope you brought Depression along.