Dreams of loss

That was a bad sleep. I felt so lonely. It felt like the time א broke up with me. It was the same time that I moved out of my old apartment (with roommates) to a new one without any roommates. It was the time I felt like fish out of water. I felt so lonely, so crummy, so heart broken... and in many ways so embarrassed at how I was feeling. The only consolation was that I'm now familiar with this feeling so instead of fighting it too much, I was able to go to sleep with it. The dreams (or was I awake, thinking?) were very real, matching my current situation. The entire night, I was having dreams of loss (a lot of them were loss of א). How silly is that?

I should be happy that my sis got engaged today. Instead, look at me! I'm awful. I feel so selfish. I'll tell you what is so weird about this whole thing. I'm expecting love from א, while at the same time I'm rejecting love from my overly-attached mom. I want my mom to let go while I want א to start reciprocating. Yes, there are other issues between my mom and me that make me want to maintain the distance. Regardless, my behavior seems so laughable. I don't know how anyone can live like this... utterly selfish. א is probably never going to love me back and my mom is never going to grasp at me so tight. I'm never going to stop grasping at א and never going to let my mom that close either. Nope, not happening.

The only potential itty-bitty respite in this thing is that I'm not grasping on to א this much at all times. Even when I do, I try not to express it to her. She probably reads me well though. I'm so lost, aren't I? Ha ha haa... I suck! I'm wasting Earth's resources by continuing this abysmal life. Ah well, poor Earth. I'm not going to commit suicide either. I'm just going to enjoy wallowing in my suffering for the rest of my life. Next thing I know, I'll be looking for more misery to accompany me... blah!