Mr. Sensitive

So I'm very sensitive. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Intellectually, I know it is not. But I "feel" weak because of that. Sure it comes in handy when I'm connecting with someone, or when someone is depending on me. It actually felt great to be there for a friend today. On the flip side, why do I get so upset when someone flips me off? Or for that matter, why do I get upset today when someone says they are busy? Why did I feel blown off when א said she wouldn't call today as she is too tired?

Instead of seeing things as is, I start wondering if they did what they did to avoid me. I think Karma made a good point earlier. She said I was helping others just to make them owe me. Perhaps I do. Why else would I get worried that the whoever stood me up did it so they can avoid me and feel like a push over? This anxiety and panic reactions I have suck. I know this is not like the big one I had over the weekend. Nevertheless I feel panicky. I don't know what to do.

Somehow, I've come up with writing as a way to deal with my panic attacks. Speaking of writing, I've been journaling everyday this week. I post only a subset of them here. Who is going to want to read all my stupid ramblings anyways! But writing helped me sort out my weekend thing as possibly just a panic attack. I've an appointment with my T coming up soon. Then, I should be clarify this for myself. I'm sure it has got to do with my own low self-esteem.

Anyways, this week has been treating me well despite my low down on Saturday night/Sunday morning. My grad school work is going pretty reasonably well. I helped a friend with his computer problems. Got a phone call from a dear friend who just underwent a transplant. So, it has been very nice overall. I think I'll later on (tomorrow) add a post with excerpts from my journal on how this week has been treating me reasonably well. For my own sake, I should do this.

I've to lead the discussion during our lab meeting tomorrow... so, I should try go sleep first :)

Thanks for reading this really discordant post with a multitude of topics that are not organized very well.