Mr. Brooding

Leave it up to me to turn a wonderful day into the worst one. Today, after such a long time, I got to spend some time with א. I was again reminded how much I liked spending time with her.

When I came home, what do I do? Brood over how much I still love her. Initially I was ok, but then surprise, surprise [sarcasm]! The flood gates opened. I'm writing this unable to go back to sleep. I've been crying like a baby for the past hour over missing her.

After meeting up with her and coming back home, I pondered over what she means to me. I realized this. Since we were together (and before), I've seen a countless number of sunsets and sunrises, mountains with clouds floating in between, quiet lakes topped with thick fogs in the fall, the roaring seas and the waving oceans. I've done my share of star gazing. I've smelt a thousand smells. I've found all of them quite beautiful. But א outshines all of these. If it were the end of times, I'd rather spend my time with א than anyone else. I know it sounds utterly romantic and all. The fact is that is exactly how I feel.

So, here I'm again, going over this all over again. I'm seriously thinking about waiting for her for the rest of my life... even if it means I'll stay celibate forever. I'm really not saying this lightly. Somehow this hasn't changed for me in 2 years, so why should I expect this to change anytime soon?

Now having had these thoughts, I'm also beating myself over having these thoughts. I hate myself for being weak... for allowing someone to have this much power over me. Yes yes, it is said that I can take that back. But making this decision and sticking to it also makes me feel more strong. I know it sounds paradoxcial... and believe me it is. I'm struggling with this a lot. Ah well, life sometimes sucks. And right now, the best day in so long has become the worst day in so long. I'm, quite literally, beating myself over it.