Pumpkin carving

Yesterday was fun. I was invited to a pumpkin carving party. I was a bit depressed initially. But, it turned out fun after I started carving. I forgot how much fun it was to do things with my hands (other than working on a computer). There is something about doing things by hand. I wonder why it feels nice to do "manual" labor. It was nice to get out of my house and from myself and be out there, enjoying myself. I've a friend to thank for inviting me over. It was a welcome change from the week of panic attacks. I should look up why doing stuff with my hands makes me feel better (at least this one time). I'm thinking I should take up sculpting or something lol!

Friendship

"Who is my best friend?", I ask myself. Right now I don't have one. I've friends, I've good friends and I've acquaintances. I really don't have a close friend or a best friend. What happened?

"When was the last time I had a best friend?", I ask myself. The answer is... when I was 14. Immediately before I met the "bag guy", my favorite molester in the whole damn world! Since then, I had no friends in high school, 2 very good friends during my undergrad and 1 good friend during my masters. During my PhD, I've made 2 good friends who moved out of town. Another good friend has been downgraded to "just a friend". I'm in the process of making another good friend. But in all, since 14, I've not made any best friends.

"What happened?", I ask myself in vain. Have I lost something here? May be the ability to trust? Perhaps the naivety to allow someone to get close? How do I find out? Does it matter to find out? Does it need to change? Did I try to make א into my best friend? Why does any of this matter?

Down again!

I'm feeling down again. I was almost fine today, until the evening. I seriously suck. Why do I keep getting stuck in this bog? Yes yes yes. I f***ing love א. She doesn't! Get on with it now. I hate myself. Why do I have to brood over this for so long? What the f*** is wrong with me? Oh yeah, thats right, I can't admit to myself that I'm a loser. I'm looking for excuses. Child molestation is as good a reason as any. I'm messed up.

So what else is new now. Nothing really. I should stop caring about it myself. Even I should be tired of listening to myself. I think my T would be too when she hears about it tomorrow. She won't show it, but she is probably tired herself. Ah well, I don't know why I'm even writing anything here today.

Blah!

Mr. Sensitive

So I'm very sensitive. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Intellectually, I know it is not. But I "feel" weak because of that. Sure it comes in handy when I'm connecting with someone, or when someone is depending on me. It actually felt great to be there for a friend today. On the flip side, why do I get so upset when someone flips me off? Or for that matter, why do I get upset today when someone says they are busy? Why did I feel blown off when א said she wouldn't call today as she is too tired?

Instead of seeing things as is, I start wondering if they did what they did to avoid me. I think Karma made a good point earlier. She said I was helping others just to make them owe me. Perhaps I do. Why else would I get worried that the whoever stood me up did it so they can avoid me and feel like a push over? This anxiety and panic reactions I have suck. I know this is not like the big one I had over the weekend. Nevertheless I feel panicky. I don't know what to do.

Somehow, I've come up with writing as a way to deal with my panic attacks. Speaking of writing, I've been journaling everyday this week. I post only a subset of them here. Who is going to want to read all my stupid ramblings anyways! But writing helped me sort out my weekend thing as possibly just a panic attack. I've an appointment with my T coming up soon. Then, I should be clarify this for myself. I'm sure it has got to do with my own low self-esteem.

Anyways, this week has been treating me well despite my low down on Saturday night/Sunday morning. My grad school work is going pretty reasonably well. I helped a friend with his computer problems. Got a phone call from a dear friend who just underwent a transplant. So, it has been very nice overall. I think I'll later on (tomorrow) add a post with excerpts from my journal on how this week has been treating me reasonably well. For my own sake, I should do this.

I've to lead the discussion during our lab meeting tomorrow... so, I should try go sleep first :)

Thanks for reading this really discordant post with a multitude of topics that are not organized very well.

Mr. Brooding

Leave it up to me to turn a wonderful day into the worst one. Today, after such a long time, I got to spend some time with א. I was again reminded how much I liked spending time with her.

When I came home, what do I do? Brood over how much I still love her. Initially I was ok, but then surprise, surprise [sarcasm]! The flood gates opened. I'm writing this unable to go back to sleep. I've been crying like a baby for the past hour over missing her.

After meeting up with her and coming back home, I pondered over what she means to me. I realized this. Since we were together (and before), I've seen a countless number of sunsets and sunrises, mountains with clouds floating in between, quiet lakes topped with thick fogs in the fall, the roaring seas and the waving oceans. I've done my share of star gazing. I've smelt a thousand smells. I've found all of them quite beautiful. But א outshines all of these. If it were the end of times, I'd rather spend my time with א than anyone else. I know it sounds utterly romantic and all. The fact is that is exactly how I feel.

So, here I'm again, going over this all over again. I'm seriously thinking about waiting for her for the rest of my life... even if it means I'll stay celibate forever. I'm really not saying this lightly. Somehow this hasn't changed for me in 2 years, so why should I expect this to change anytime soon?

Now having had these thoughts, I'm also beating myself over having these thoughts. I hate myself for being weak... for allowing someone to have this much power over me. Yes yes, it is said that I can take that back. But making this decision and sticking to it also makes me feel more strong. I know it sounds paradoxcial... and believe me it is. I'm struggling with this a lot. Ah well, life sometimes sucks. And right now, the best day in so long has become the worst day in so long. I'm, quite literally, beating myself over it.

An Island, unto itself!

Since last week, I've been depressed. After meeting with my T, I've been just 'blah'. I wanted to write... I've been trying to write, but never could really. I trailed off after the first 2 sentences. Today, after a little chit chat with a colleague about how I'm very dissociated when it comes to my memories, I found myself exhausted and ready to sleep. Five hours later, I found myself writing (with a little distraction in the background). The outpouring resulted in this poem:

Woken up from a deep slumber
I can't remember what is my dream
I can't remember what is my reality
How long did I sleep? And
How much longer will I sleep?

Memories do not exist,
Recollections end up bust,
Reminiscence collects dust.
Ruminations take me yonder,
But not much farther,
Yet I live... as a shallow creature!

What is my past?
Where is my future?
Between the two polarities
I lose my present.

Unable to stand in my yesterdays
Unable to hold on to my tomorrows
I dawdle in the between...
Lifeless, yet alive.
Floating on a barge
Within the constraints of 'now'
And 'now' alone.

I find myself, an Island
An island not just because I'm alone;
But an island in time...
With none the past,
With never a future,
Just an Island, unto itself!