I lied... to myself

Yes, I lied in my last post...

After my last post, I was worried. I wondered if I started having my friends from ester while -- suicidal thoughts -- come back again. I hated to admit that possibility and lied to myself about it.
It was easier that way.

At the time of my last post, I was contemplating death, much more than simple suicide. I wasn't wondering about how I would die... there wasn't any plan, just death. This was different from all the previous times I've imagined suicide, because for the first time, I thought about how my body would look like after death and so on. I saw a poetic beauty in the destruction of my dead body. It scared me then and it does a little now.

I think I know what lead me to my previous post... it broke me to know that I had mislead myself on more than one occasion. I didn't want to see what was obvious, only to feel betrayed and victimized at the end. I was not able to trust myself. I don't know if I can still. My own ineptitude towards seeing the most obvious has happened too many times... too many times. I can't allow that to happen again. I don't want to. I don't want to be victimized again. I know I have to risk the possibility in order to not become a victim, but it is too damn scary and I don't want to admit it. I don't know how I mustered the courage to even write this here.

At times I think it is not a lack of awareness, but a willful acceptance. In other words, I lie to myself about things being different from what I see them to be, I think. I hope that is what it is... otherwise I must be a moron to not see the obvious... ah well, I don't know myself anymore.

Despite all that mistrust, I somehow know I want to live rather than die; not by suicide at least. I don't know why I should cling on to life that much, but I do.