For the past few months, I've been munching on something in my head. This is not about my childhood abuse. This is about a relationship, which I feel (only now), might have been abusive after all! It has gotten old. Yet, it still evokes something very powerfully emotional. When I ruminate upon this particular topic, I feel my ego bruised, no shattered. Other times I feel angry. Mostly though, it leaves me bereaved. It feels like I've been stabbed repeatedly not just in my back, but right into my heart. All I could do was painfully watch it happen. The part that worries me the most is that I saw this particular relationship to be "divine", something that made me feel better about myself, instead of being abusive.
It bothers me that I let such a thing continue on for as long as I did. First, I didn't see it. Then, I did recognize that it was not fulfilling for me. But, I kept blaming myself for that too. I thought I was asking for too much and kept blaming myself. Here comes the worst part... after it ended, I felt miserable. I was back to blaming myself again! I didn't see it as abusive or unhealthy at all. Even to this day, I've to repeat to myself that it was emotionally abusive. That brings me to this burning question.
How can I trust any relationship I have established before, have now or make in the future will not be abusive, if I don't even recognize it?
No comments:
Post a Comment