It is official now, I'm now a Buddhist. The ceremony was simple and elegant. Got a cool name. It is a big step for me. To me this is as much about acknowledging my practice as it is about accepting who I am and being truthful to myself.
The day started with me brooding again. I wasn't terribly happy about it. I had to really take a stand and fight the loneliness and that feeling of rejection. I was nearly going into depression again. I stood at the bus stop and listed how I felt to myself. The words were mostly "negative". Eventually, I settled into breathing deeply and doing a body scan. My heart felt (and still feels) enshrined in a dark, shiny-black metal sheath. It feels rather heavy.
I know I should be proud of the name chosen for me during the refuge vow. But it feels more like it is what it is. I'm off to bed now, feeling all alone once again! Perhaps I should somehow learn to accept that I'm and I'll always me alone... seek company in Loneliness. I only wish it would not turn into one of those cry-myself-to-sleep days.
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