I lied... to myself

Yes, I lied in my last post...

After my last post, I was worried. I wondered if I started having my friends from ester while -- suicidal thoughts -- come back again. I hated to admit that possibility and lied to myself about it.
It was easier that way.

At the time of my last post, I was contemplating death, much more than simple suicide. I wasn't wondering about how I would die... there wasn't any plan, just death. This was different from all the previous times I've imagined suicide, because for the first time, I thought about how my body would look like after death and so on. I saw a poetic beauty in the destruction of my dead body. It scared me then and it does a little now.

I think I know what lead me to my previous post... it broke me to know that I had mislead myself on more than one occasion. I didn't want to see what was obvious, only to feel betrayed and victimized at the end. I was not able to trust myself. I don't know if I can still. My own ineptitude towards seeing the most obvious has happened too many times... too many times. I can't allow that to happen again. I don't want to. I don't want to be victimized again. I know I have to risk the possibility in order to not become a victim, but it is too damn scary and I don't want to admit it. I don't know how I mustered the courage to even write this here.

At times I think it is not a lack of awareness, but a willful acceptance. In other words, I lie to myself about things being different from what I see them to be, I think. I hope that is what it is... otherwise I must be a moron to not see the obvious... ah well, I don't know myself anymore.

Despite all that mistrust, I somehow know I want to live rather than die; not by suicide at least. I don't know why I should cling on to life that much, but I do.

Today is a good day to die

This is a bit dark... but to let you know ahead of time, this is not a suicide note. I plan to live, at least for now. This is something that simply came up as I encountered today's weather on the outside and on the inside. Inspired by this inclement weather, I wanted to write... and here it is.

The foggy day, that is today, looks inviting. The mystery of the fog carries... nay, hides within the pain; Perhaps if I die today, the shame would be shrouded by the mist that surrounds. I would not have to be rejected again. I will not have to feel the scorching of the fear of rejection again. I will not have relive my rejection again. I shall not have to hate myself for being who I am and who I'm not. Today is a good day to leave it all behind. Today is a good day to let my body shrivel, there... right there on the grass, arms outstretched, palms facing up, ankles falling to the floor with feet wide. The pain disappears as my vision clouds, the fears melt as the sounds move distant; only the smell of fresh grass to hold me up. The dampness in the air caresses my face.
There, I feel that water drop settle high on my nose. Slowly, ever so slowly my eyes close, the water drop starts to roll. It rolls towards the bridge of my nose... an invisible hand pushes it to the right side of my nose... it pretends to be a tear and rolls of my cheek. The final tear that would ever be. Did it know there will be none other? Did it know about the lush green grass leaf investigating my ear? What is it looking for anyways? Does is it know there is lots of time to examine, time enough for it to grow up and die, right next to my shrivelled body? Does it know today is a good day to die?

Abusive relationship

For the past few months, I've been munching on something in my head. This is not about my childhood abuse. This is about a relationship, which I feel (only now), might have been abusive after all! It has gotten old. Yet, it still evokes something very powerfully emotional. When I ruminate upon this particular topic, I feel my ego bruised, no shattered. Other times I feel angry. Mostly though, it leaves me bereaved. It feels like I've been stabbed repeatedly not just in my back, but right into my heart. All I could do was painfully watch it happen. The part that worries me the most is that I saw this particular relationship to be "divine", something that made me feel better about myself, instead of being abusive.

It bothers me that I let such a thing continue on for as long as I did. First, I didn't see it. Then, I did recognize that it was not fulfilling for me. But, I kept blaming myself for that too. I thought I was asking for too much and kept blaming myself. Here comes the worst part... after it ended, I felt miserable. I was back to blaming myself again! I didn't see it as abusive or unhealthy at all. Even to this day, I've to repeat to myself that it was emotionally abusive. That brings me to this burning question.

How can I trust any relationship I have established before, have now or make in the future will not be abusive, if I don't even recognize it?

Living alive

I reveal the blog behind this face to a friend today. I was scared quite a lot initially. Surprisingly, it went very well. As my T says, it feels good to have a witness.

A face thus far blocked;
Today it was revealed.
The sun lit the sky,
And this face beneath it.
In clear light, I'm bathed,
No shades anywhere,
But nothing to hide.
Nowhere, nay, no need to run.
Yes, my feet can stand,
Face lifted, and shoulders broad.
The obsidian glass has melted away,
Everything is out in the open.
In their nakedness they revel,
And I proceed to live alive.

Why Buddhism?

People have come up with several possible reasons as to why I embraced Buddhism recently. Mostly, it is wondering what I find in it that is different from Hinduism. I'm going to try and address this here below.

My spiritual practice involves mainly mindfulness meditation. While this has got nothing to do with any particular religion, per se, the philosophical theories associated with Buddhism in connection to meditation are the one that speak to my heart. Hinduism as it is practiced does not appeal to me much. In its current form, there is too much attachment to external rituals. While I'm not against rituals, having rituals simply for the sake of having them is not something I'm interested in anymore. I feel their meanings have been lost.

The philosophy of Buddhism appeals to me. Sure, it might have stemmed from Hinduism, but it has developed far beyond it. There are plenty of similarities. However, the main difference between the two (as they are practiced), in my humble opinion, is that Hinduism believes that we are responsible for whatever happens to us. Buddhism on the other hand believes that things just happen, but it is up to us to make it whatever we want to make out of it.

Hinduism is very fatalistic in that sense and there is a strong sense of pre-determinism (our current status depends on what we did in our previous life and the ones before that). This leads to a certain callousness and "willful ignorance" of responsibility for one's actions; for everything is perceived as proceeding in accordance to fate "as it should be". I know this sounds a bit contradictory. As a Hindu I'm to do my actions according to what is the dharma and leave the results to God. Somehow this translates into people's actions performed with seemingly no personal responsibility. While Buddhism doesn't entirely exclude pre-determinism, it very strongly acknowledges our own responsibility to our lives irrespective of a Superior Being. Furthermore it states that NOW is all we have to work with.

It is that very aspect that appeals to me the most. Hinduism makes me see my own broken childhood as a reflection of my evil deeds (from a "past life", whatever that means). Meaning, it is my own fault that it happened. Every time it happened I was to blame, not only for this life's actions but also for my actions in all my previous lives as well.

Buddhism on the other hand allows me to accept that it happened. It doesn't explicitly blame me for it. Yes, I know the previous statement might be contested. But, at least it allows me to work with it in the present. It doesn't assign blame on myself or anyone for it. In other words, Buddhism allows me to say, "Shit happens. I feel it is shit only because I perceive it to be so".

NO, I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying what happened to me or the so many other people out there was acceptable. It was terribly wrong.
What I'm saying is two things:

1. Shit happens. It happened. I 100% acknowledge that it happened and that it was possibly the most terrible thing that could happen to anyone. I would never wish this on anyone... not even the ones who did it to me.


2. I feel it is shit only because I perceive it to be so. It is not happening now. It did in the past and it can stay in the past. I do not have to react to all things in life as if they were all threats to my immediate person. I can be myself instead of reacting like a person tainted by his past. In other words, shit happened in the past, I don't have to perceive shit in everything now.

Indeed my basic instinct is to protect myself from any perceived threat by building walls of defense. I've found that instead by opening up and exposing the tenderness (ONLY if and when I'm feeling up for it) is quite paradoxically healing.

This is what I see in Buddhism's philosophy. Instead of praying or denying pain, Buddhism seeks to accept pain as a part of life. (Note: This is neither nihilistic nor masochistic and there are plenty of books to explain it better than I could.) Buddhism allows me to accept the pain, accept the sadness, accept the fear, even accept feelings of self-guilt and shame, without turning any of them into suffering. I acknowledge the feelings without denying them attention. At the same time, in doing so, I notice and label them for what they are instead of allowing them to make my head spin out of control.

So, taking refuge to me is a formal acceptance of my striving to be truthful to myself, accept impermanence in life, welcome both good and bad equally instead of favoring one over the other... In other words, by taking this refuge vow, I promise to myself to be "hopeless and confident" as Pema Chödron so elegantly puts it. Hopeless not as in derelict, but as in non-expecting things to happen one way or another.

So, am I Buddhist? Yes. Am I no longer a Hindu? No. I incorporate practices from both into my life. It is not my intention to simply abandon Hinduism. It is simply to find my own niche and accept who I'm... a HiBu. :-)

Depression & Refuge vow!

It is official now, I'm now a Buddhist. The ceremony was simple and elegant. Got a cool name. It is a big step for me. To me this is as much about acknowledging my practice as it is about accepting who I am and being truthful to myself.

The day started with me brooding again. I wasn't terribly happy about it. I had to really take a stand and fight the loneliness and that feeling of rejection. I was nearly going into depression again. I stood at the bus stop and listed how I felt to myself. The words were mostly "negative". Eventually, I settled into breathing deeply and doing a body scan. My heart felt (and still feels) enshrined in a dark, shiny-black metal sheath. It feels rather heavy.

I know I should be proud of the name chosen for me during the refuge vow. But it feels more like it is what it is. I'm off to bed now, feeling all alone once again! Perhaps I should somehow learn to accept that I'm and I'll always me alone... seek company in Loneliness. I only wish it would not turn into one of those cry-myself-to-sleep days.

Fighting Depression

Today, I started off with quite a depressing mood. I didn't know the reason. I simply woke up depressed. I started wondering if was to do my upcoming Refuge Vow ceremony. I didn't think it was. But then may be I'm anxious, worried and perhaps even scared of it subconsciously. Then, I thought may be it was to do with א; honestly, that was only a scapegoat. Then I was in the shower wondering about my dreams, searching for a possible answer there. Then I found it.

Part of my dream related to the upcoming Refuge Vow. It involved me 'leaving home'. There was a sadness to it but no suffering. Pain, but no suffering.
The other part of the dream involved some random guy reaching for my right shoulder. I pushed him away, rather forcefully, asking him never to do that again. That was what was causing the unrest in me.

Noting that however, didn't really help me all that much at first. However, I had an inspiration while still in the shower. I realized I have the power to stop this depression from become seriously depressing! I tried, intellectually, addressing it -- saying that it was all in the past and that I was in the shower then. But it didn't help. I thought perhaps meditating would help. But I found myself too disturbed to even be mindful of it, noting the emotions as they arise. While I tried that, it didn't help. So, it ruled out sitting meditation.

Then it struck me -- body scan, like my T had told me. That helped me bring my attention back to my body. Feeling a heavy heart. Wow, my heart is reliving it as I'm writing this. Once I noticed that, I went into a deep breathing almost naturally. I had to leave my house at that point, but I kept my attention on my breath. It is amazing how such a simple thing as the breath could help me bring me back to the present.

After about 20 minutes of paying attention to my breath, while focusing on that tightness and heaviness in my heart, I was completely out of depression! Amazing. I've never done this before. I'm so proud of myself to have fought and WON before my depression could take me over. Again, I'm happy and proud.