Finally, after such a long time, I was almost missing it. Nope, it is back again. One single simple disappointment is all it took for me to close up shop in Happyland and make my way back to Sorrowland. I'm pathetic. א and I had plans to go out today. I was very excited, especially because I've not hung out with her in a while. In my excitement, I forgot how prone she is to canceling stuff. No big surprise when the she called right after I left my lab thinking I'll make it home early to spend time with her. She canceled. I got very disappointed.
It is very pathetic that I should attach so much importance to such a silly thing and feel so much sorrow and disappointment when it didn't happen. I'm completely unable to control my automatic thoughts at this point. They seem to be thrashing and threshing any defense I try to mount. Nope, not a chance for me now. The flood gates are open. Mr. Depression is at my door now.
I'm beating myself over allowing myself to be in this place by placing as much importance as I did in this in the first place. In addition, to hating myself for getting attached, I find myself weak again and so, I'm upset about being weak as well. I missed talking to א simply after a couple of days of not talking to her. How crazy is that?
My parents were right, I can never be good at anything. Just manage something or the other. I should probably go back to focusing on grad school and shut all this up in a safe box and accept that I'd always suck in personal skills. I'd get myself depressed too easy. I shouldn't even venture into these areas of existence.
I'm off to yoga... may be that would help.
5 comments:
Wo, I hope that yoga helped. Because there's no reason that this one incident with this woman has to throw you into depression and isolation. Consider instead of hating yourself for your attachment, just meditate on it - notice it, let it be. You don't have to have the depression sink in and become permanent. Try to just notice it and breathe it out. Good luck!
It helped a bit. I had a friend over for a dinner & a movie. That helped too.
People have been suggesting lots of lists for me which have been helping a lot. Consider writing a list about all of the things that help. That way you can focus on doing lots of those things and have options when it feels overwelming.
I'll try that. Thanks. I always worry that something has got to go wrong. I attach too much importance to things, I guess. I'm working on it. A list might help with that too.
Well, there always will be things that go wrong. I think our path is to find ways to accept this despite how painful and scary it is. I haven't fully succeeded yet. Its a process.
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