Homeless I wander,The above was prompted as I was thinking about my lack of memories. A blank slate from when I was 5 years old. My T thinks it is possibly due to dissociation. I'm now wondering what else is hidden in those 9 years or so that I remember very little about them.
Where was home?
A Promise of happiness,
Filled with safety,
An embrace of serenity,
That is a cradle of care,
When did I leave Home?
Where is my home, Mother?
Inter me into your bosom...
A full 6 feet under,
Keep me safe within,
For me to experience freedom
For me to feel at Home.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Homeless
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Where is that dark side of me?
Thanks Karma for your comment. I really appreciate it.
Karma, you are right about my need to feel needed. Upon looking back, it appears that I've always been "eager to help", even at the expense of doing my own stuff. May be that is my way of feeling important/needed. But when I question fairness, I'm asking how much of a sacrifice should I make. When is it just helping and when is it a sacrifice?
If someone asks for help, I feel the urge to do it right away, dropping everything I'm doing. Instead, I could, say give them a time at which I'd be able to help. Now, this is the kind of (self-imposed) unfairness I'm questioning. Why do I do this?
Yes, there is a feeling of satisfaction from helping others. Yes, I'm the "sweet" guy. But why is this important to hear for me? Why do I have to be nice to others, sometimes even at the cost of myself? Why can't I ever say "no"?
As I pondered over these questions, other things came up. I wanted to feel needed. I feel that I need to get (the right kind of) attention. It is an issue of feeling powerful too -- others need me to do this and do that. They can't do it without me. There is also an insecurity. What if they don't like me? I dread it. I fear it. I want to be like-able and never feel unwanted.
Until now, I've been giving into this insecurity, rather than fighting it. It makes me feel wanted and happy. It is even addictive; for, there are times when I wish someone would ask me for help!
There is also a much older belief that is playing its part. Growing up, I was taught that bad things happen to bad people. So, if I had been molested, I must have been a bad person. Also, much of my memory is lost or is second hand. This makes me a lot more nervous. Given that I come from an abusive family, I always worry that I'm going to turn into them. Now, with a lot of my memories being just blank... a clean slate, whatever you want to call it, this gives me jitters. I feel that my own mind is hiding a darker side of me. I really feel anxious and panicky when I think about this. This makes me want to help even more, as if all the help I do now is going to make up for it.
This is how far I've gotten so far. May be I'll write more tomorrow.
Karma, you are right about my need to feel needed. Upon looking back, it appears that I've always been "eager to help", even at the expense of doing my own stuff. May be that is my way of feeling important/needed. But when I question fairness, I'm asking how much of a sacrifice should I make. When is it just helping and when is it a sacrifice?
If someone asks for help, I feel the urge to do it right away, dropping everything I'm doing. Instead, I could, say give them a time at which I'd be able to help. Now, this is the kind of (self-imposed) unfairness I'm questioning. Why do I do this?
Yes, there is a feeling of satisfaction from helping others. Yes, I'm the "sweet" guy. But why is this important to hear for me? Why do I have to be nice to others, sometimes even at the cost of myself? Why can't I ever say "no"?
As I pondered over these questions, other things came up. I wanted to feel needed. I feel that I need to get (the right kind of) attention. It is an issue of feeling powerful too -- others need me to do this and do that. They can't do it without me. There is also an insecurity. What if they don't like me? I dread it. I fear it. I want to be like-able and never feel unwanted.
Until now, I've been giving into this insecurity, rather than fighting it. It makes me feel wanted and happy. It is even addictive; for, there are times when I wish someone would ask me for help!
There is also a much older belief that is playing its part. Growing up, I was taught that bad things happen to bad people. So, if I had been molested, I must have been a bad person. Also, much of my memory is lost or is second hand. This makes me a lot more nervous. Given that I come from an abusive family, I always worry that I'm going to turn into them. Now, with a lot of my memories being just blank... a clean slate, whatever you want to call it, this gives me jitters. I feel that my own mind is hiding a darker side of me. I really feel anxious and panicky when I think about this. This makes me want to help even more, as if all the help I do now is going to make up for it.
This is how far I've gotten so far. May be I'll write more tomorrow.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Defining "Fairness"
I'm quite a bit confused right now. I could use your feedback.
What is fairness? What is considered fair to me? It seems that I don't have a sense for what is fair to me. Over the last week or two, I found myself "going out of my way" to help other people -- fellow grad students/friends. I used the quotes because I didn't think I was doing that, but I came to understand that others perceive it so. To me though, it was the natural (not ideal) thing to do. It seemed the right thing to put my stuff behind and do theirs. The return I got was happiness. So, was it not fair to me?
I did make the choice to overwhelm myself with helping others. Perhaps this is to make me feel important and appreciated? The truth is, it makes me feel needed. Right now, I find it very important to feel needed.
In that context, is expressing love (unrequited) not fair? I felt upset to notice how א had become 'cynical' about life. She calls it being realistic, but I perceived it as a reaction to her own situations in life. It makes me really really sad. I really wanted to be there for her even if it means sacrificing everything else in my life. I later recalled other harsh things she had said to me. Yet, I minimized those and saw how she was suffering within. Yes, she made her choices and I will not change those. But, at the same time, I want to be with her even if it means "sacrificing" a lot of other stuff in life.
Is that not fair?
How does one define fairness? Should I see the greater good, my individual gratification, instantaneous vs long term satisfaction? How do I determine if something is fair to me to not? What do I factor into it to determine the fairness?
What is fairness? What is considered fair to me? It seems that I don't have a sense for what is fair to me. Over the last week or two, I found myself "going out of my way" to help other people -- fellow grad students/friends. I used the quotes because I didn't think I was doing that, but I came to understand that others perceive it so. To me though, it was the natural (not ideal) thing to do. It seemed the right thing to put my stuff behind and do theirs. The return I got was happiness. So, was it not fair to me?
I did make the choice to overwhelm myself with helping others. Perhaps this is to make me feel important and appreciated? The truth is, it makes me feel needed. Right now, I find it very important to feel needed.
In that context, is expressing love (unrequited) not fair? I felt upset to notice how א had become 'cynical' about life. She calls it being realistic, but I perceived it as a reaction to her own situations in life. It makes me really really sad. I really wanted to be there for her even if it means sacrificing everything else in my life. I later recalled other harsh things she had said to me. Yet, I minimized those and saw how she was suffering within. Yes, she made her choices and I will not change those. But, at the same time, I want to be with her even if it means "sacrificing" a lot of other stuff in life.
Is that not fair?
How does one define fairness? Should I see the greater good, my individual gratification, instantaneous vs long term satisfaction? How do I determine if something is fair to me to not? What do I factor into it to determine the fairness?
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