Three days ago, on Thursday, I woke up from a dream feeling jealous because in that dream my ex, א, was hanging out with someone else. While I knew it was just a dream and just my own creation, it didn't go away. I had to really fight it.
I've been thinking about it. Jealousy runs in my family... my dad, my mother, my granddad! Can I ever overcome this? That is one thought I had. On the other hand, I also saw how jealousy was my own creation... a delusion.
Of all the so called "negative" feelings like greed, hate, anger, etc, it appears to me that jealousy is the most easily justifiable and the most unreasonable.
It appears that this stems from the fact that we delude ourselves in to thinking that our favors are to be returned or that our feelings are to be reciprocated. (In this particular instance, I expect my ex to still want to be with me.) When we feel that this feeling is not reciprocated, we feel dejected or angry. But when this feeling we project, instead of being reciprocated, gets directed at someone else, we feel jealous. We expect to be the one at the receiving end. But this is our own demand that is simply unreasonable. We also find it easy to justify because as human beings we expect reciprocation. We always play a non-zero game and we don't want to give anything away for free. Especially when it comes to love, when not reciprocated and redirected, it feels a lot worse. We actually feel that we have the right to be at the receiving end. Otherwise, we feel used. Hence, it become easily justifiable.
Perhaps I find it even more justifiable, because of the many times I've been used and betrayed. So, when I'm not at the receiving end, I think I'm not just being used by that I'm being betrayed and stabbed in the back. My mom did it by using my trust to meet her lover and continue with her affair. She stabbed me right through my heart when she said that he meant more to her than me or my sister, her own kids! Add that to the fact that I was molested, sexual abused, and shamed in front of others by family members and strangers alike. I've got a monster in my head.... I think everyone is out there to use me.
I think that I walk in to those several times (self-blame, I notice as I write this). At the same time, I'm holding on to this idea/ideal that I've not let anyone close to me since my mom betrayed me, until I met א. So, I value my love for א much more than anything else. May be that is why it hurts more that she broke up with me. May be that is why I think breaking up with me would mean that she just used me... and I hate to feel that she too did me in. I don't want to think that my time with א was simply another one of my "walk-ins". It is weird logic and even I don't get it. But when is matters of heart ever rational!
May be none of this is a reason and I just want to hide behind these so I don't have to face the facts that I'm a loser.
PS: I was talking to א earlier today and she told me that she was, "just hanging out", today. Makes me place more value in my dream and hence I wrote this post.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Riding the roller coaster
I've had an interesting week. I went from being upset over how I'm still hung up on my ex to feeling fine to feeling upset to now feeling alright. In parallel, I was going through memory recalls and memory absence recall. I was reliving my trauma for a day or two. Had a wonderful cooking day for a pot luck dinner. Went to a vegetarians group and made friends. I had a talk with my ex where she expressed her stand and I mine. After that I felt completely fine. We went for a bike ride the next day, without me having to face any pain.
Come today, I was feeling the painful pangs again. I let it be just pain as best as I could, just being mindful of it. Some of it got translated to suffering. But being mindful actually helped a bit. The bigger help, I think came from this: After a long time, I actually felt comfortable and satisfied when talking to my family today. Unfortunately though, I'm feeling apprehensive about my grandma. Somehow, I get the sense that she is preparing herself for her approaching death. It is a bit disturbing. When talking to her, I felt as if her life was slowly ebbing away. I don't know what to make of it. She was still funny, cogent and fun to talk to as always. Yet there was a certain spark that felt dimmer.
Later today, I went to, what I consider, my foster family here. They took me to dinner and then to a neighborhood fest here. It was fun. I was thinking about my ex when I saw a stall selling dragons. When I got back to my apartment building, I saw her entering as well. Turns out she also went to the same neighborhood fest and she too had thought about me when she was by the same stall! :-) Makes me feel happy and removed at the same time.
On the whole, despite the vin rouge, I'm feeling fine today. I say despite because I usually feel reticent, if not depressed, after some ethanol in my blood.
Come today, I was feeling the painful pangs again. I let it be just pain as best as I could, just being mindful of it. Some of it got translated to suffering. But being mindful actually helped a bit. The bigger help, I think came from this: After a long time, I actually felt comfortable and satisfied when talking to my family today. Unfortunately though, I'm feeling apprehensive about my grandma. Somehow, I get the sense that she is preparing herself for her approaching death. It is a bit disturbing. When talking to her, I felt as if her life was slowly ebbing away. I don't know what to make of it. She was still funny, cogent and fun to talk to as always. Yet there was a certain spark that felt dimmer.
Later today, I went to, what I consider, my foster family here. They took me to dinner and then to a neighborhood fest here. It was fun. I was thinking about my ex when I saw a stall selling dragons. When I got back to my apartment building, I saw her entering as well. Turns out she also went to the same neighborhood fest and she too had thought about me when she was by the same stall! :-) Makes me feel happy and removed at the same time.
On the whole, despite the vin rouge, I'm feeling fine today. I say despite because I usually feel reticent, if not depressed, after some ethanol in my blood.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Second-hand self-memories
Today I've regressed back into my physical twitches. The same ones I get when I'm thinking about my abuse incidents. I even jumped (scared and anxious) when I saw this scene on TV, where a hand taps another person's shoulder from behind.
Later, I was watching a movie that was talking about memories of youth. It made me think back on my own memories. All my memories until a few years ago appear to be rather vague or abrupt. Most of those memories from my school and undergraduate days appear to be of a second hand nature. I am unable to recall them as my personal memories. Instead, they seem to be memories created by someone telling me what happened or how it happened. The memories are mine, yet not mine own. It feels very empty. It has the same feeling as making memories of watching a movie from a friend giving me a movie review as if I were there! Nothing in that feels tangible. I do not know why... I don't understand this.
There are exceptions to this. Most of them are "negative" memories. A few are neutral (the earliest one from when I was 2½ years old). A handful are even positive. In fact, I seem to have forgotten even those things that happened when I went to my parent's home last year. Yet, everything I did with א seems very vivid and fresh in my memory. I'm not sure what to make of this. It doesn't make me feel comfortable though, especially when I start speculating about what else I might have forgotten! I find it challenging to stay mindful of this without getting attached.
Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have "second-hand self-memories" like I do? I'd appreciate hearing from you.
Later, I was watching a movie that was talking about memories of youth. It made me think back on my own memories. All my memories until a few years ago appear to be rather vague or abrupt. Most of those memories from my school and undergraduate days appear to be of a second hand nature. I am unable to recall them as my personal memories. Instead, they seem to be memories created by someone telling me what happened or how it happened. The memories are mine, yet not mine own. It feels very empty. It has the same feeling as making memories of watching a movie from a friend giving me a movie review as if I were there! Nothing in that feels tangible. I do not know why... I don't understand this.
There are exceptions to this. Most of them are "negative" memories. A few are neutral (the earliest one from when I was 2½ years old). A handful are even positive. In fact, I seem to have forgotten even those things that happened when I went to my parent's home last year. Yet, everything I did with א seems very vivid and fresh in my memory. I'm not sure what to make of this. It doesn't make me feel comfortable though, especially when I start speculating about what else I might have forgotten! I find it challenging to stay mindful of this without getting attached.
Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have "second-hand self-memories" like I do? I'd appreciate hearing from you.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Feeling used
Why do I do this to myself? I'm depressed again. I've been hanging out with א, my ex, recently. It is hard to believe that I still want to be with her, she has moved on. She initiated this contact, but I'm the one who is reeling in pain.
I still harbor hopes of getting back together again. She seemed receptive initially, hesitant but receptive. After a week she started withdrawing. I wanted to kiss her once. But she stopped me, saying she was in a crazy place. I respected that and left it at that. I let her call me after that and she did. We have been hanging out after that.
Last Thursday, I felt the butterflies in my stomach again; The same ones I felt when I first started going out with her. Once again I could not concentrate on work. I had the pleasurable butterflies in my stomach to deal with. At that point I knew again that I loved her, still!
I simply cannot get over it. I do not understand why I'm grasping at her this much. I've never before obsessed over anything this much. Even those things I was obsessed over, I was able to let go much more easily. Heck, I do not lose myself like this even when I think about any of my molesters!
א was my first one and only one I dared enough to open up and go out with. When we broke up the first time, I was hoping to get back with her. When we broke up the second time, I thought I was doing better because I started letting her go. But now I'm back there. I am unable to not feel the passion for her. I even tried "letting" it be. But my feelings for her are overwhelming at times, like it is now. She canceled on me today because of rain. We were planning on going for a bike ride. But I was hoping we could instead go for dinner due to the rain. Perhaps she doesn't want to hang out with me, other than for biking. It makes me wonder if I'm simply being used? Am I?
Something I read over the week triggered a chain of thoughts for me. Growing up in an abusive environment, I've always done what pleases others. Perhaps, in doing so, I got something I wanted. May be I'm trying to please א and trying to get something in return from her... and I find it impossible. Is this it... a "need to please"? Is that why I'm feeling "used" by א when she hangs out only when she wants something and not when I want something? Hmm, my thoughts go back to one of my earlier posts: Actions and expectations. It is my expectation of the result that is causing this suffering I'm now experiencing. That is perhaps what I need to let go.
I still harbor hopes of getting back together again. She seemed receptive initially, hesitant but receptive. After a week she started withdrawing. I wanted to kiss her once. But she stopped me, saying she was in a crazy place. I respected that and left it at that. I let her call me after that and she did. We have been hanging out after that.
Last Thursday, I felt the butterflies in my stomach again; The same ones I felt when I first started going out with her. Once again I could not concentrate on work. I had the pleasurable butterflies in my stomach to deal with. At that point I knew again that I loved her, still!
I simply cannot get over it. I do not understand why I'm grasping at her this much. I've never before obsessed over anything this much. Even those things I was obsessed over, I was able to let go much more easily. Heck, I do not lose myself like this even when I think about any of my molesters!
א was my first one and only one I dared enough to open up and go out with. When we broke up the first time, I was hoping to get back with her. When we broke up the second time, I thought I was doing better because I started letting her go. But now I'm back there. I am unable to not feel the passion for her. I even tried "letting" it be. But my feelings for her are overwhelming at times, like it is now. She canceled on me today because of rain. We were planning on going for a bike ride. But I was hoping we could instead go for dinner due to the rain. Perhaps she doesn't want to hang out with me, other than for biking. It makes me wonder if I'm simply being used? Am I?
Something I read over the week triggered a chain of thoughts for me. Growing up in an abusive environment, I've always done what pleases others. Perhaps, in doing so, I got something I wanted. May be I'm trying to please א and trying to get something in return from her... and I find it impossible. Is this it... a "need to please"? Is that why I'm feeling "used" by א when she hangs out only when she wants something and not when I want something? Hmm, my thoughts go back to one of my earlier posts: Actions and expectations. It is my expectation of the result that is causing this suffering I'm now experiencing. That is perhaps what I need to let go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)