From Darkness to Light

After a long break, I decided to start blogging again. Why? I am not sure exactly. I do however know that there is plenty of stuff that has changed. 

Life certainly has changed for the better. Since I last blogged, I graduated (yay), worked a couple of months as a consultant, took a 2.5 month long vacation (first vacation in 4.5 years), reconnected with my family, broke up with א, met an amazing wonderful woman (C), and got myself in to a post-doctoral fellowship. In all, Life is good.

Given the life changes, I figured I should make changes to my blog too. I hope to focus on the happy stuff as much as I did on the broken parts previously. I also hope to play with the appearance of the blog. I will be working on that for a little while... so, please bear with me.

Cheers!

Why now?

Why now? That is the question I've been asking myself since I met with my T last week. This goes back to my childhood experiences and why I'm thinking about revealing it to my parents. I've been nervous about coming clean about it, and still am. I do not know for sure how they would react and I'm not sure I want to hear even the slightest doubt when I do tell my family about it. On the one hand, I'm afraid I'd go ballistic; on the other hand, I wish I could finally show my parents, especially my mom that I'm not all that she thinks I'm.
As a relevant aside, my mom has always been very (and I mean VERY) possessive of me. Also, she has always presumed that she knows me, my tastes, my wants, and my desires so well. She feels confident about knowing me. So, part of me wants to show her that she doesn't know me.

I was watching Frasier today, an episode where Frasier and Martin Crane find out about their respective spouse's extra-marital affairs. It made me realize that I'm really upset about my mom's affair with B. I simply cannot get over the fact that she used me as an excuse to meet with B. I was so naive to have gone alone with it, all the while not acknowledging what was really going on. She took every opportunity to use me as an excuse to get out of the house and spend some time with B. I had to cover for her numerous times. She slept with him, and I willfully ignored all the evidence towards it. I was so stupid! lol

Recalling that I heard her say that B was more important than her own kids, makes me upset. I find it funny that I didn't get upset or angry at her when she said that, whereas, it upsets me now. I remember feeling scared that she would not bother to care about me and only hoping to hold on to her more tightly. Although this was a long time ago, it still hurts to recall all those incidents. In retrospect, I felt completely used. Worse, I even defended her against my dad. I wronged my dad in that sense. I'm unable to face myself for it.

All that pent up anger against my mom is now coming up, as I find my mom increasingly grasping for me. Her presumptions about how she knows me so well, seem so... arrogant, lacking any ground. The "over-confidence" she has in her supposed understanding of me is getting to me. I find this conceited and even vainglorious. It is damn right annoying and bothersome. This combined with her fawning, excessive doting over me is plain and simple irksome... not just for me, but also for my sister. It is making me so uncomfortable that I do not want to go home for my sister's wedding. But, that is not really an option.

So, I chose the next best thing to do... to put a distance between me and my mom. I choose to do it by saying the one thing I know will for sure make her gasp and take a step back. This would also make her (and my other family members) back down on their pushing me to marry soon. It is like my panacea -- my mom away, put some distance between me and everyone in my family, gain some respect of my own, get some wiggle room for making my own decisions, and not to mention, be a bit better able to build a case for my celibacy (or for not being stuck with an arranged marriage).

Well, this is how far, I got today. I'll be talking to my T soon. We'll see what happens...

PS: I've decided to try and keep my blog updated more often from now on.

... and then I wake up!

Wow, what a change! After my last post, I left to go continue my vajrayana weekend course that involved contemplating on death. As I was leaving, I decided, yes "decided" that I was going to use my sister's joy at getting engaged into my own joy. Guess what, the whole thing flipped upside down. I'm just fine now. It is so weird.

Yes, I still love א, no change in that. I'm back to expressing my unconditional love for her instead of putting clauses on it. So, I was able to completely relax about it and let things be. Suddenly, I realize the Buddhist notion of how everything is a choice. It really is. That is not to say that there is no sadness. I'm very sad, but I don't have to be upset about it. Again, I'm sure this is probably just a temporary state, but hey, I'll take anything I can. I'm 100% glad that I'm not stuck in that hell I was in just earlier. Being able to open up the way I did today, and say, "I love her, but she doesn't have", was very empowering.

While I can see how one might perceive this as acting like a piece of dirt that everyone walks over, I completely do not feel that way. I feel this love for her expanding to accepting that she doesn't. Yes, I still hope that she would at some point. I'm sad that it isn't the case now and that it might never be so. But, I'm completely comfortable with it. I'm unable to express myself in a better way than that. It just expanded somehow. It feels great.

PS: My skeptical mind speaking: Let's see how long this lasts!

Dreams of loss

That was a bad sleep. I felt so lonely. It felt like the time א broke up with me. It was the same time that I moved out of my old apartment (with roommates) to a new one without any roommates. It was the time I felt like fish out of water. I felt so lonely, so crummy, so heart broken... and in many ways so embarrassed at how I was feeling. The only consolation was that I'm now familiar with this feeling so instead of fighting it too much, I was able to go to sleep with it. The dreams (or was I awake, thinking?) were very real, matching my current situation. The entire night, I was having dreams of loss (a lot of them were loss of א). How silly is that?

I should be happy that my sis got engaged today. Instead, look at me! I'm awful. I feel so selfish. I'll tell you what is so weird about this whole thing. I'm expecting love from א, while at the same time I'm rejecting love from my overly-attached mom. I want my mom to let go while I want א to start reciprocating. Yes, there are other issues between my mom and me that make me want to maintain the distance. Regardless, my behavior seems so laughable. I don't know how anyone can live like this... utterly selfish. א is probably never going to love me back and my mom is never going to grasp at me so tight. I'm never going to stop grasping at א and never going to let my mom that close either. Nope, not happening.

The only potential itty-bitty respite in this thing is that I'm not grasping on to א this much at all times. Even when I do, I try not to express it to her. She probably reads me well though. I'm so lost, aren't I? Ha ha haa... I suck! I'm wasting Earth's resources by continuing this abysmal life. Ah well, poor Earth. I'm not going to commit suicide either. I'm just going to enjoy wallowing in my suffering for the rest of my life. Next thing I know, I'll be looking for more misery to accompany me... blah!

Why can't I post?

I hate myself. I never seem to post when things are manageable. Now that I'm back to feeling overwhelmed, I want to post. Why? Whatever!

Now that I've to be go back to visit India for my sister's wedding, I've been on a hot plate. First, I'll be in a situation where I'll have to meet my cousin who violated me when I was 5 and I'll have to meet this other stranger (I still don't know his name... only his profession, based on how he was referred to "bag man") who molested me when I was 14. Initially I was dealing with only this. Now, I'm back to pining for א. I really really really want to be with her... but I'm not sure she even remotely does anymore. Add to this the fact that I'm going to be under the crosshair about my marriage when I go to India. I mean, I cannot really express how much I want to be with her. I've been trying to love her unconditionally. It had been working. But now that I'm participating in a vajrayana course of sorts, where א is also going, has made me be really overwhelmed by my own situation. Thankfully, it is only for the weekend. I'm not sure I can take it anymore than that, especially, when I feel that she tries to ignore or push me away. (Sure, it could just be my own projections, but it sure hurts).

My celibacy vow (oh yeah, I took that on Feb 14 after giving א a lot of expensive gifts, thought it appropriate... ) is supposedly still in place, but the pain of separation from א is overwhelming right now. I know she said that she is not in any place to be in any relationship right now and I'm not willing to be in any relationship with anyone else. Also, not being with her was very much frustrating me. So, I took the celibacy vow (not necessarily with an indefinite time period), as a way of controlling my own urges and emotions. I thought by legitimizing my feelings of being lonely, given my (self-imposed) "commitment to א", with a formal vow, I'll be better able to take control of my own life. For some reason, going out with any other woman is simply not appealing to me at all. I tried and I couldn't. Sure, I hear that I should try harder. But, I'm seriously incapable of it. I've tried my level best. So, I'm trying to accept my own limitations as is as any buddhist is supposed to do. Fact is, I freaking suck at this. It is not a celibacy vow, it is more of a "marriage" vow... a vow of commitment to only א and no one else. It sucks big time. Though I know that she is not dating anyone else, feeling rejected makes me feel horrible.
Perhaps it will be a good thing that א is moving later this year to a new city. But I hate it that I'll lose her. I'll probably adjust to it, eventually. But then, my other good friend, K, is also moving. I'm going to be left friendless and alone, once again. I hated it before. I'm going to hate it again and I hate myself right now. I suck.

I'm desperate for a hug. Goddamit... why the f*** do I still love א? Why the f*** can't I be strong? Why the f*** do I have to go back to India? Why the f*** do I have to answer questions about my marriage? Why the f*** do I have to hide who I'm from my so-called family? Why the f*** do I have to meet that f****** cuz and that f***** (quite literally, unfortunately) bag man? What the f*** do I have to live for?

Clearly, I'm going into another big time depression. Yay! My only constant friend is back... welcome Misery. I hope you brought Depression along.

Living in the "present"

Well Karma, you last comment got me thinking. Here is what I've so far. This started as a reply comment, but the length of it made me put it out as a separate post of its own.

I did NOT mean equate being happy now with being happy in the past (or having a memory of it). It is just that sometimes our present is influenced by our past... we relive those moments. I , personally, recollect mostly bad memories and nothing really "normal", let alone amusing or fun. So, when all I see in my past is just pain, it is easy to maximize any pain and minimize any joy I'm feeling now. I have an automatic thought that simply says, "It has got to go wrong".

From a Buddhist perspective, it is about accepting the present for what it is, I agree. But accepting/learning involves knowledge of the past and the future; and perhaps even an intuitive understanding of impermanence and sunyata. These come from past experiences. So, how can one live only in the present? Philosophically speaking, what is "now" -- the present moment -- but a continuously changing nexus between the past and the future!

In other words, you cannot live in the present, without a past and a future; the present is but a shadow of the past and a glimpse of the future. Otherwise you would be living only moment to moment and not moment by moment. The distinction being that in the former, you are blind to the moments between, whereas in the latter you are aware through all passing moments.

Let me use a Buddhist analogy here. Let us think of time as a flowing river. We are observing it at some point during its course between its birth (mouth of the river) and its death (at the sea). The river is right in front of us, as much as it is at its mouth and at the sea, simultaneously. So, though the river is right here, right now, it is also there (at its mouth) and also there (at the sea). Similarly, though the present is right here, it is also not discrete. It is a result of all those tiny turns in the past and as a extension, it is also in all those tiny turns in the future. Lets keep predeterminism vs free choice to another discussion :-)

Finally, I'm still left with a rather philosophical conundrum, what does living in the present involve? Perhaps it is about accepting it for what it is, instead of "trying to live in the present". What do you think?

The empty shell that I am

I had a nice long chat with my best friend from yesteryears (aka, high school). Considering we were such close friends growing up, it wasn't such a surprise that we were able to connect again. We ended up recalling stories.
Correction. She recalled stories, I honestly didn't remember any. Yet, she was my best friend. Brought me back to thinking about my memory loss. Once again, I realized I don't remember a lot of stories. Made me feel bad again; but at the same time, it made me happy. I felt bad that I cannot remember any of those stories. I felt happy that someone else remembered them, with me in them.

What made me really happy was that in those stories I was told, it seemed like I was actually happy. In fact, it sounded like I had a gloriously joyous time. Knowing that makes me full and empty at the same time. I don't know if it makes sense. The thing is, it is full in the past; However, in the present, I can neither recall that fullness nor feel it, leaving me like an empty shell.

Without such recall, I can't remember myself as a happy person. I can't laugh or bring cheer to myself with happy memories. All I can think of is, "something has got to get worse, as it always does". Thinking about it all day has made me depressed too. Thereby, I'm forced to write.

Busy with grad school

Grad school, I hate you! .lol. It has been soon busy with my grad school, haven't got the time to do anything else these days. I'll get back to posting probably in the next month, in case you are wondering. Later folks!

A continuing facade

"Should I continue the facade?", that is the question that is going on in my head right now. I was talking to my mom yesterday. Somehow the topic went to the amount of rape that is happening. What my mom didn't realize was that the number of people raped didn't go up recently, the number of people who are willing to report has gone up more. She was pointing out how she saw more and more cases of 4 and 5 year olds being molested. She was talking about it as if this were a new phenomenon happening only in recent years, and in particular in the US (unlike India, where she is). Little did she know that her own son was molested when he was only 5.

It was hard for me to calm myself down before I could explain to her that this might not be a new phenomenon. It also took me a lot more effort to let her know that this is not something happening only in the US. It is really detrimental that in India people don't talk about 'it' ('it' being anything related to sex, abuse or otherwise; 'it' being such a huge taboo). While I'm kinda proud to have explained all that to her without losing my temper or getting upset, I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

How much longer should I keep my parents in the blind? Shouldn't I be known for who I'm, instead of hiding behind a mask? At the same time, do I need to put them through the stress of this? What purpose does it serve anyways other than putting them through a lot of misery? Sure there is something to be said about voicing my inner thoughts, but I've done enough of that to my T and here (special thanks to Karma for letting me know she is listening). What if I do tell them and they don't believe me? Is it worth taking the risk?

So much to write, so little time...

Lots and lots of things have happened in between. For one, I'm actually feeling very much fine, after what feels like an eternity. Had a lot of meetings with my therapist over the last 2 months and that helped immensely. Having an open talk with א face to face helped too. Had a bad rift in one of my close friendships... hoping it would be patched. But, I'm probably too distracted from personal life to even fathom the depths of this damage. On that note, I'm deeply touched and honored by Karma's "The Colors of Friendship Award". Thank you Karma!

Oh, and I'm going to be starting a new (mindfulness) meditation practice starting next week. There is a new group that is starting next week near my lab. That should be good. Since this through the school, I think it would be even nicer. I intend to be one of the regulars there. :-)

Bottom line, it is all good!

Pumpkin carving

Yesterday was fun. I was invited to a pumpkin carving party. I was a bit depressed initially. But, it turned out fun after I started carving. I forgot how much fun it was to do things with my hands (other than working on a computer). There is something about doing things by hand. I wonder why it feels nice to do "manual" labor. It was nice to get out of my house and from myself and be out there, enjoying myself. I've a friend to thank for inviting me over. It was a welcome change from the week of panic attacks. I should look up why doing stuff with my hands makes me feel better (at least this one time). I'm thinking I should take up sculpting or something lol!

Friendship

"Who is my best friend?", I ask myself. Right now I don't have one. I've friends, I've good friends and I've acquaintances. I really don't have a close friend or a best friend. What happened?

"When was the last time I had a best friend?", I ask myself. The answer is... when I was 14. Immediately before I met the "bag guy", my favorite molester in the whole damn world! Since then, I had no friends in high school, 2 very good friends during my undergrad and 1 good friend during my masters. During my PhD, I've made 2 good friends who moved out of town. Another good friend has been downgraded to "just a friend". I'm in the process of making another good friend. But in all, since 14, I've not made any best friends.

"What happened?", I ask myself in vain. Have I lost something here? May be the ability to trust? Perhaps the naivety to allow someone to get close? How do I find out? Does it matter to find out? Does it need to change? Did I try to make א into my best friend? Why does any of this matter?

Down again!

I'm feeling down again. I was almost fine today, until the evening. I seriously suck. Why do I keep getting stuck in this bog? Yes yes yes. I f***ing love א. She doesn't! Get on with it now. I hate myself. Why do I have to brood over this for so long? What the f*** is wrong with me? Oh yeah, thats right, I can't admit to myself that I'm a loser. I'm looking for excuses. Child molestation is as good a reason as any. I'm messed up.

So what else is new now. Nothing really. I should stop caring about it myself. Even I should be tired of listening to myself. I think my T would be too when she hears about it tomorrow. She won't show it, but she is probably tired herself. Ah well, I don't know why I'm even writing anything here today.

Blah!

Mr. Sensitive

So I'm very sensitive. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Intellectually, I know it is not. But I "feel" weak because of that. Sure it comes in handy when I'm connecting with someone, or when someone is depending on me. It actually felt great to be there for a friend today. On the flip side, why do I get so upset when someone flips me off? Or for that matter, why do I get upset today when someone says they are busy? Why did I feel blown off when א said she wouldn't call today as she is too tired?

Instead of seeing things as is, I start wondering if they did what they did to avoid me. I think Karma made a good point earlier. She said I was helping others just to make them owe me. Perhaps I do. Why else would I get worried that the whoever stood me up did it so they can avoid me and feel like a push over? This anxiety and panic reactions I have suck. I know this is not like the big one I had over the weekend. Nevertheless I feel panicky. I don't know what to do.

Somehow, I've come up with writing as a way to deal with my panic attacks. Speaking of writing, I've been journaling everyday this week. I post only a subset of them here. Who is going to want to read all my stupid ramblings anyways! But writing helped me sort out my weekend thing as possibly just a panic attack. I've an appointment with my T coming up soon. Then, I should be clarify this for myself. I'm sure it has got to do with my own low self-esteem.

Anyways, this week has been treating me well despite my low down on Saturday night/Sunday morning. My grad school work is going pretty reasonably well. I helped a friend with his computer problems. Got a phone call from a dear friend who just underwent a transplant. So, it has been very nice overall. I think I'll later on (tomorrow) add a post with excerpts from my journal on how this week has been treating me reasonably well. For my own sake, I should do this.

I've to lead the discussion during our lab meeting tomorrow... so, I should try go sleep first :)

Thanks for reading this really discordant post with a multitude of topics that are not organized very well.

Mr. Brooding

Leave it up to me to turn a wonderful day into the worst one. Today, after such a long time, I got to spend some time with א. I was again reminded how much I liked spending time with her.

When I came home, what do I do? Brood over how much I still love her. Initially I was ok, but then surprise, surprise [sarcasm]! The flood gates opened. I'm writing this unable to go back to sleep. I've been crying like a baby for the past hour over missing her.

After meeting up with her and coming back home, I pondered over what she means to me. I realized this. Since we were together (and before), I've seen a countless number of sunsets and sunrises, mountains with clouds floating in between, quiet lakes topped with thick fogs in the fall, the roaring seas and the waving oceans. I've done my share of star gazing. I've smelt a thousand smells. I've found all of them quite beautiful. But א outshines all of these. If it were the end of times, I'd rather spend my time with א than anyone else. I know it sounds utterly romantic and all. The fact is that is exactly how I feel.

So, here I'm again, going over this all over again. I'm seriously thinking about waiting for her for the rest of my life... even if it means I'll stay celibate forever. I'm really not saying this lightly. Somehow this hasn't changed for me in 2 years, so why should I expect this to change anytime soon?

Now having had these thoughts, I'm also beating myself over having these thoughts. I hate myself for being weak... for allowing someone to have this much power over me. Yes yes, it is said that I can take that back. But making this decision and sticking to it also makes me feel more strong. I know it sounds paradoxcial... and believe me it is. I'm struggling with this a lot. Ah well, life sometimes sucks. And right now, the best day in so long has become the worst day in so long. I'm, quite literally, beating myself over it.

An Island, unto itself!

Since last week, I've been depressed. After meeting with my T, I've been just 'blah'. I wanted to write... I've been trying to write, but never could really. I trailed off after the first 2 sentences. Today, after a little chit chat with a colleague about how I'm very dissociated when it comes to my memories, I found myself exhausted and ready to sleep. Five hours later, I found myself writing (with a little distraction in the background). The outpouring resulted in this poem:

Woken up from a deep slumber
I can't remember what is my dream
I can't remember what is my reality
How long did I sleep? And
How much longer will I sleep?

Memories do not exist,
Recollections end up bust,
Reminiscence collects dust.
Ruminations take me yonder,
But not much farther,
Yet I live... as a shallow creature!

What is my past?
Where is my future?
Between the two polarities
I lose my present.

Unable to stand in my yesterdays
Unable to hold on to my tomorrows
I dawdle in the between...
Lifeless, yet alive.
Floating on a barge
Within the constraints of 'now'
And 'now' alone.

I find myself, an Island
An island not just because I'm alone;
But an island in time...
With none the past,
With never a future,
Just an Island, unto itself!

Homeless

Homeless I wander,
Where was home?
A Promise of happiness,
Filled with safety,
An embrace of serenity,
That is a cradle of care,
When did I leave Home?
Where is my home, Mother?
Inter me into your bosom...
A full 6 feet under,
Keep me safe within,
For me to experience freedom
For me to feel at Home.

The above was prompted as I was thinking about my lack of memories. A blank slate from when I was 5 years old. My T thinks it is possibly due to dissociation. I'm now wondering what else is hidden in those 9 years or so that I remember very little about them.

Where is that dark side of me?

Thanks Karma for your comment. I really appreciate it.

Karma, you are right about my need to feel needed. Upon looking back, it appears that I've always been "eager to help", even at the expense of doing my own stuff. May be that is my way of feeling important/needed. But when I question fairness, I'm asking how much of a sacrifice should I make. When is it just helping and when is it a sacrifice?

If someone asks for help, I feel the urge to do it right away, dropping everything I'm doing. Instead, I could, say give them a time at which I'd be able to help. Now, this is the kind of (self-imposed) unfairness I'm questioning. Why do I do this?

Yes, there is a feeling of satisfaction from helping others. Yes, I'm the "sweet" guy. But why is this important to hear for me? Why do I have to be nice to others, sometimes even at the cost of myself? Why can't I ever say "no"?

As I pondered over these questions, other things came up. I wanted to feel needed. I feel that I need to get (the right kind of) attention. It is an issue of feeling powerful too -- others need me to do this and do that. They can't do it without me. There is also an insecurity. What if they don't like me? I dread it. I fear it. I want to be like-able and never feel unwanted.

Until now, I've been giving into this insecurity, rather than fighting it. It makes me feel wanted and happy. It is even addictive; for, there are times when I wish someone would ask me for help!

There is also a much older belief that is playing its part. Growing up, I was taught that bad things happen to bad people. So, if I had been molested, I must have been a bad person. Also, much of my memory is lost or is second hand. This makes me a lot more nervous. Given that I come from an abusive family, I always worry that I'm going to turn into them. Now, with a lot of my memories being just blank... a clean slate, whatever you want to call it, this gives me jitters. I feel that my own mind is hiding a darker side of me. I really feel anxious and panicky when I think about this. This makes me want to help even more, as if all the help I do now is going to make up for it.

This is how far I've gotten so far. May be I'll write more tomorrow.

Defining "Fairness"

I'm quite a bit confused right now. I could use your feedback.

What is fairness? What is considered fair to me? It seems that I don't have a sense for what is fair to me. Over the last week or two, I found myself "going out of my way" to help other people -- fellow grad students/friends. I used the quotes because I didn't think I was doing that, but I came to understand that others perceive it so. To me though, it was the natural (not ideal) thing to do. It seemed the right thing to put my stuff behind and do theirs. The return I got was happiness. So, was it not fair to me?

I did make the choice to overwhelm myself with helping others. Perhaps this is to make me feel important and appreciated? The truth is, it makes me feel needed. Right now, I find it very important to feel needed.

In that context, is expressing love (unrequited) not fair? I felt upset to notice how א had become 'cynical' about life. She calls it being realistic, but I perceived it as a reaction to her own situations in life. It makes me really really sad. I really wanted to be there for her even if it means sacrificing everything else in my life. I later recalled other harsh things she had said to me. Yet, I minimized those and saw how she was suffering within. Yes, she made her choices and I will not change those. But, at the same time, I want to be with her even if it means "sacrificing" a lot of other stuff in life.
Is that not fair?

How does one define fairness? Should I see the greater good, my individual gratification, instantaneous vs long term satisfaction? How do I determine if something is fair to me to not? What do I factor into it to determine the fairness?

Ha! There it is!

Finally, after such a long time, I was almost missing it. Nope, it is back again. One single simple disappointment is all it took for me to close up shop in Happyland and make my way back to Sorrowland. I'm pathetic. א and I had plans to go out today. I was very excited, especially because I've not hung out with her in a while. In my excitement, I forgot how prone she is to canceling stuff. No big surprise when the she called right after I left my lab thinking I'll make it home early to spend time with her. She canceled. I got very disappointed.

It is very pathetic that I should attach so much importance to such a silly thing and feel so much sorrow and disappointment when it didn't happen. I'm completely unable to control my automatic thoughts at this point. They seem to be thrashing and threshing any defense I try to mount. Nope, not a chance for me now. The flood gates are open. Mr. Depression is at my door now.

I'm beating myself over allowing myself to be in this place by placing as much importance as I did in this in the first place. In addition, to hating myself for getting attached, I find myself weak again and so, I'm upset about being weak as well. I missed talking to א simply after a couple of days of not talking to her. How crazy is that?

My parents were right, I can never be good at anything. Just manage something or the other. I should probably go back to focusing on grad school and shut all this up in a safe box and accept that I'd always suck in personal skills. I'd get myself depressed too easy. I shouldn't even venture into these areas of existence.

I'm off to yoga... may be that would help.