I had a nice long chat with my best friend from yesteryears (aka, high school). Considering we were such close friends growing up, it wasn't such a surprise that we were able to connect again. We ended up recalling stories.
Correction. She recalled stories, I honestly didn't remember any. Yet, she was my best friend. Brought me back to thinking about my memory loss. Once again, I realized I don't remember a lot of stories. Made me feel bad again; but at the same time, it made me happy. I felt bad that I cannot remember any of those stories. I felt happy that someone else remembered them, with me in them.
What made me really happy was that in those stories I was told, it seemed like I was actually happy. In fact, it sounded like I had a gloriously joyous time. Knowing that makes me full and empty at the same time. I don't know if it makes sense. The thing is, it is full in the past; However, in the present, I can neither recall that fullness nor feel it, leaving me like an empty shell.
Without such recall, I can't remember myself as a happy person. I can't laugh or bring cheer to myself with happy memories. All I can think of is, "something has got to get worse, as it always does". Thinking about it all day has made me depressed too. Thereby, I'm forced to write.
1 comment:
I'm curious about what you say in this post. Is the only way to be happy to have a happy past or a memory of a happy past? If we think about this from a Buddhist perspective, your suffering is from not being grounded in the present.
I have some similar issues. I also have very few memories of my childhood and tend to not recollect well memories from even high school. My old high school best friend and I used to often connect and he'd tell me stories about high school which would make me very happy. For awhile, I became very depressed when I lost his friendship. But I don't think that in the end our happiness lies in either these friends or our memories. Instead, I think it will come from learning to come to terms with the present.
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