Living in the "present"

Well Karma, you last comment got me thinking. Here is what I've so far. This started as a reply comment, but the length of it made me put it out as a separate post of its own.

I did NOT mean equate being happy now with being happy in the past (or having a memory of it). It is just that sometimes our present is influenced by our past... we relive those moments. I , personally, recollect mostly bad memories and nothing really "normal", let alone amusing or fun. So, when all I see in my past is just pain, it is easy to maximize any pain and minimize any joy I'm feeling now. I have an automatic thought that simply says, "It has got to go wrong".

From a Buddhist perspective, it is about accepting the present for what it is, I agree. But accepting/learning involves knowledge of the past and the future; and perhaps even an intuitive understanding of impermanence and sunyata. These come from past experiences. So, how can one live only in the present? Philosophically speaking, what is "now" -- the present moment -- but a continuously changing nexus between the past and the future!

In other words, you cannot live in the present, without a past and a future; the present is but a shadow of the past and a glimpse of the future. Otherwise you would be living only moment to moment and not moment by moment. The distinction being that in the former, you are blind to the moments between, whereas in the latter you are aware through all passing moments.

Let me use a Buddhist analogy here. Let us think of time as a flowing river. We are observing it at some point during its course between its birth (mouth of the river) and its death (at the sea). The river is right in front of us, as much as it is at its mouth and at the sea, simultaneously. So, though the river is right here, right now, it is also there (at its mouth) and also there (at the sea). Similarly, though the present is right here, it is also not discrete. It is a result of all those tiny turns in the past and as a extension, it is also in all those tiny turns in the future. Lets keep predeterminism vs free choice to another discussion :-)

Finally, I'm still left with a rather philosophical conundrum, what does living in the present involve? Perhaps it is about accepting it for what it is, instead of "trying to live in the present". What do you think?

The empty shell that I am

I had a nice long chat with my best friend from yesteryears (aka, high school). Considering we were such close friends growing up, it wasn't such a surprise that we were able to connect again. We ended up recalling stories.
Correction. She recalled stories, I honestly didn't remember any. Yet, she was my best friend. Brought me back to thinking about my memory loss. Once again, I realized I don't remember a lot of stories. Made me feel bad again; but at the same time, it made me happy. I felt bad that I cannot remember any of those stories. I felt happy that someone else remembered them, with me in them.

What made me really happy was that in those stories I was told, it seemed like I was actually happy. In fact, it sounded like I had a gloriously joyous time. Knowing that makes me full and empty at the same time. I don't know if it makes sense. The thing is, it is full in the past; However, in the present, I can neither recall that fullness nor feel it, leaving me like an empty shell.

Without such recall, I can't remember myself as a happy person. I can't laugh or bring cheer to myself with happy memories. All I can think of is, "something has got to get worse, as it always does". Thinking about it all day has made me depressed too. Thereby, I'm forced to write.