Ha! There it is!

Finally, after such a long time, I was almost missing it. Nope, it is back again. One single simple disappointment is all it took for me to close up shop in Happyland and make my way back to Sorrowland. I'm pathetic. א and I had plans to go out today. I was very excited, especially because I've not hung out with her in a while. In my excitement, I forgot how prone she is to canceling stuff. No big surprise when the she called right after I left my lab thinking I'll make it home early to spend time with her. She canceled. I got very disappointed.

It is very pathetic that I should attach so much importance to such a silly thing and feel so much sorrow and disappointment when it didn't happen. I'm completely unable to control my automatic thoughts at this point. They seem to be thrashing and threshing any defense I try to mount. Nope, not a chance for me now. The flood gates are open. Mr. Depression is at my door now.

I'm beating myself over allowing myself to be in this place by placing as much importance as I did in this in the first place. In addition, to hating myself for getting attached, I find myself weak again and so, I'm upset about being weak as well. I missed talking to א simply after a couple of days of not talking to her. How crazy is that?

My parents were right, I can never be good at anything. Just manage something or the other. I should probably go back to focusing on grad school and shut all this up in a safe box and accept that I'd always suck in personal skills. I'd get myself depressed too easy. I shouldn't even venture into these areas of existence.

I'm off to yoga... may be that would help.

What's going on, really?

I'm starting to wonder what is really happening with me. I'm so out of my meditation practice. I have been skipping quite a few yoga classes as well. Yet, I'm feeling fine (ish), except for the occasional turmoils which last less than 5 minutes. I've not seen my therapist in more than 2 months! It makes me wonder, "what is going on, really?"

I'm worried I'm simply in denial, or keeping myself distracted. It seems very easy to be distracted with grad school noose tightening around my neck pretty tight. Am I doing what I have always done -- to immerse myself in school work to escape the brutal reality? I don't know... On the one hand, the answer is yes. On the other, I don't think I'm that person anymore. I notice my troubles, acknowledge them, mindfully accept the pain/sadness associated with it,... Face it, rather than run away from it,... Do tong len, if necessary. But I never really "sit" to mediate. I take the practice with me that's all. Despite such an utter lack of meditation and yoga (my only form of physical exercise), I haven't gotten depressed in more than a month. Yes, I have a few moments here and there, but not whole days or even half-a-day!

I've been in a similar situation several times before, albeit shorter, they never turned out to be fine; Instead, they all turned out to be the calm before the storm. While I hope that this time be different, there is an innate fear that something must go wrong, or already be wrong... it is too good to be true. I'm feeling anxious.

Mindfulness and daily life

I've been so out of touch here. Grad school is now hectic. Nevertheless, the month that passed since my last post has been mostly kind to me. I've managed to handle my stress better than before. There were repeated disappointments, but I managed to shoot down all automatic thoughts that were blaming me for every single one of them. I managed to fight depression pretty successfully. There were days when it was really tough on me (like y'day), emotionally. But I've managed to survive.

The one incident I'm particularly proud of is when I saw a sculpture in a shop with a hand over the shoulder of a person. I was stunned for a moment there, for it brought back my own memories of the hand. I caught myself right away, before I went into any strong ruminations. Somehow I gathered the courage to fight it and fend it off. And, I managed to do so only by being mindful :)